Josephine!

I think we can all agree that what happened in Charlottesville last week was a mess.

From the Neo-Nazis and J. Crew Ku Klux Klan kids to the Fascist Antifa to the Charlottesville Police being apparently at Dunkin Donuts to President Trump's attempt to calm the nation down by saying exactly the wrong words, it wasn't one of our brilliant, shining moments.

Could you imagine, Rev. Donald J. Trump, delivering a eulogy?

"Look, everybody knows the dearly departed drank way too much. His widow, look at her, she knows it. And he loved spending the family's rent money at the dog track.  Don't get me on his love for hookers. But, he was a great guy. Tremendous. Would do anything for you, if he was sober.  He leaves a wife, who isn't convincing anybody with those FAKE TEARS, a good for nothing son who needs a haircut, and a daughter who is really built." 

Apparently, all of this was started by marble. That's right, marble used for statues.

Charlottesville, which is home to The University of Virginia, decided to rename a park named after Confederate General Robert E. Lee and to remove his statue.  That brought out the Nazi Nuts (which used to open for The Dead Kennedys during the punk rock era) which brought out the Antifa (which stands for Anti-Fascists, and of course, their definition of fascism is very elastic).

In one of his many responses, President Trump noted that once you started tearing down statues of Robert E. Lee, people will soon go after George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.  To which, many said, "Thanks, we haven't thought about them!"

Of course, the Democratic Party, which should have the easiest job in the world (oppose whatever Trump supports) leaped into action. Forget about infrastructure!  Forget rising health insurance premiums. Forget North Korea!  We've got marble sculpted in the likeness of dead Southerners to get rid of!  Excelsior!

Last Thursday, our old pal Nancy Pelosi focused our attention on the hideous marble that lines Statutory Hall at the Capital.  Here's how The New York Times reported it with my comments parenthetically added.

“The Confederate statues in the halls of Congress have always been reprehensible", (If by "always" you mean you realized last week) Ms. Pelosi said, putting pressure on the House speaker, Paul D. Ryan of Wisconsin, to act.(Which he did by wetting his pants)“If Republicans are serious about rejecting white supremacy, I call upon Speaker Ryan to join Democrats to remove the Confederate statues from the Capitol immediately.” (Which were put in by Democrats in the first place, but don't even think about that.)

The New York Times showed photographs of the offensive statues and one of them was personal to me:  Joseph E. Wheeler.

My high school was named for this Confederate General. (By the way, did you know that my class is having our 40-year reunion despite the fact that all of my female classmates are still "foxy"? )   I have a picture, somewhere, of my wife posing next to the statue.

Here's what you need to know about Fighting Joe.

He was the shortest general in The Confederate Army.  He used a step stool to get on his horse. In a battle against Grant's Union Forces, General  Ulysses S. Grant urged his men to kill Wheeler.  Grant said, "Shoot low boys, he's riding a Shetland pony".

After the war, Wheeler went back to his home state of Alabama. He was so moved by his return, he wrote a poem, "Sweet Home Alabama".

However, war clouds soon rose again, and Wheeler rejoined the Army and served as a General during The Spanish-American War.

Wheeler made a startling announcement when he returned home:  he announced he was going to identify as a woman because he wants to have a baby.   He began to wear a dress and referred to himself as "Josephine Wheeler".

A Broadway musical will open this fall about him:  "JOSEPHINE!"   (The playbill features a man with a beard wearing a 1905 dress doing a high kick.)

Most of the "facts" reported above are not true.  But, it is probably the only way his statue would be able to stay in Statutory Hall.

By the way, the part about him being the shortest general is true. It is not confirmed that he used a step stool to mount his horse.