2017: No Argument From Me

I can't wait for 2017 to end.

It began with the inauguration of Donald Trump.  The inauguration was a solemn occasion, as evidenced by former President Bush trying to put on a poncho, which, in all fairness, wasn't taught at Yale. And by Kellyanne Conway wearing something she found at a Goodwill store when she time traveled back to 1977.

President Trump began his inaugural address by noting, "There are forty trillion zillion billion people here wanting to see me" and ended it by saying "Wrestling is real to me, damn it".

You figured The Democrats would try to present themselves as mature and thoughtful people.  You figured wrong.  The Democrats decided to hook up with "The Resistance Movement" which features people way more insane than the President wearing hats that look like genitalia and wishing someone would blow up The White House.

So, for the entire year, it seemed like one half of the country was yelling at the other half of the country.

Everything was an argument. Everything was a debate.

Nobody wanted to concede a point because, if you did, you would die.

Your humble correspondent has been caught up in a couple of scrums, even though I find them distasteful.

I've noticed the "resistance" side is quick on the lectures,which are usually very long, and quick on the assumptions, which are usually incorrect.  One person wrote a four or five paragraph response to my posting that I voted for Gary Johnson and not Trump asserting that I favored "campus rape" and caused Clinton to lose Wisconsin, which is an amazing feat considering I don't live in Wisconsin.

On to more pleasant memories. Here's some chicken salad out of chicken feed:  The Atlanta Falcons won an overwhelming majority of the quarters in the Super Bowl.

Speaking of disasters, somehow, a fire caused a portion of a bridge on Interstate 85 to collapse in Atlanta. In uncharacteristic fashion Atlanta and the state of Georgia got the bridge repaired in a relatively short period of time, which is amazing when you consider it was Atlanta and Georgia making the repair.

It was reported that Democratic Senate staffers were sending "talking points" to Jimmy Kimmel, who is kind of/sort of this generation's Johnny Carson except he doesn't have a lot of talent and he's smug.

There have been several "special elections". One was here in Georiga which featured Jon Ossoff and Karen Handel, which seemed to go on for about 40 years. Ossoff lost mainly because he looked like he was running for student council President and he didn't live in the district and/or Georgia.

The Democrats finally scored a big victory when they captured Jeff Sessions seat in Alabama.  In crack journalistic work, it was discovered forty years ago Roy Moore had an unusual interest in teenage girls when he was a thirty-year-old man. This happened to be discovered a month before the election, as chance would have it. So, the Democrats finally were able to defeat the Republicans in Alabama when the Republicans nominate a possible/maybe/probable pedophile.

The biggest story of the year, besides the President, was the #Metoo movement which arose from the amazing discovery that all men are pigs, especially the ugly ones with lots of power.

The biggest movie of the year had to be "The Last Jedi" which is the latest installment of The Star Wars saga. I haven't seen it yet. I hear it is either the worst movie ever or the best movie ever.  I did go and see "Despicable Me 3" which was okay; it needed more minions.

We lost a lot of famous people this year. Chuck Berry and his duck walk. Mary Tyler Moore and her smile that could turn on the world. Glen Campbell was probably as underrated as a musician could be (um, he couldn't read music.)   Tom Petty, who once said he gave up playing "Pac-Man" when he realized he was just getting good at eating dots. Hugh Hefner who probably, for better or worse (and this old moralistic conservative says worse) changed our culture.

My 40 year high school class reunion was this year.  I was amazed I went to school with so many old people. Ha, ha. It was my honor to be the host of the reunion program and I'm happy to say my former classmates laughed at my jokes.  A couple of them told me they were happy I finally got some action. (Not as happy as me!)

We had five people from the class die in a five-month period. One of the classmates that died was Barry Suttle, who was a friend of this blog.

I have been writing in a blog for about eight years. Barry always encouraged me and commented on my posts. Men my age are usually not encouraged to do too much except to get out of the way.

This year has been, as far as readership is concerned, the best year for Humor Me.  I have easily doubled my readership.

In fact, one of my posts had almost four thousand reads. It was about Barry.

The Worst Christmas Song Ever

It is that time of year again!  Christmas time!  Okay, sing with me that great Christmas song from the classic cartoon "A Charlie Brown Christmas"  (original working title: "Give It A Rest, Charlie Brown"):  "Christmas time is here, let's go get a beer, something, something, something, something, favorite time of year"

Speaking of singing, since I am a man of the people, I've asked the people, via Facebook, to post their least favorite Christmas song.  I was assisted in this effort by The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier of Kennesaw Mountain High School. The reason I took this survery is I wanted to discover the worst Christmas song of all time.
 
 (Note: I do not include any Christmas "Carols" on the list. I like all of the traditional Christmas Carols, although some of them we could have probably lived without like Bob Dylan's version of "Hark! The Hearld Angels Sing" ("Hurk, de harold ANGELS sang") and  Tammy Wynette's "Away In The Manger" ("Ah-weigh in duh mayjer").

Based on the results gathered by Mrs. Collier and myself, I would say Mariah Carey might want to check into some online universities to spruce up her resume. One person said they did not like  "anything Mariah Carey spews".

There were equally harsh comments about a group called "Pentatonix". I am not familar with this group and honestly thought  that it was a new prescription drug to combat psoriasis. ( "Do not take Pentatonix if you have breathed air and drank water; do not leave your children alone in the room with Pentatonix.  Side effects of Pentatonix include infertility, flatulence , and spontaneous combustion").  The Fabulous Jackie Prescott Collier says, and I quote, "Pentatonix has ruined every Christmas song they have sung".

An early front runner for The Worst Christmas Song title is Baby, It's Cold Outside".  This is one of those songs (along with "Winter Wonderland" and "Let It Snow") which doesn't even mention Christmas and seems to be more concerned with other non-Christmas related activities, if you catch my drift.

Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is on The Worst Christmas Song list simply because we know he can do better. The first part of the song sounds like two robots making out.

Wham's "Last Christmas" is an unpopular song because it makes you puke. "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away".  This happened a lot in the '80's.

Who can forget the holiday cheer spread by the song "Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas"?  Sample lyrics: "Please daddy, don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't want to see my momma cry".   There's nothing like a song about a dysfunctional family to get you into the Christmas spirit.

"Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree"  were disqualified from The Worst Christmas list because they are, technically,  the same song.

 "Mary, Did You Know?" made it into the Top Ten Worst Christmas songs list because apparently there is a law that it must be sung in every Southern Baptist church in the state of Georgia.
 
For a while, it looked like "Christmas Shoes" was going to be the winner.  If you never heard of "Christmas Shoes", it is about a boy who wants to buy his dying mother a pair of shoes for Christmas so when she dies, she'll have a new pair of shoes to meet Jesus.  Lucky Yates of the FX show "Archer" says it is really about a gypsy kid running a scam to get a bunch of free shoes to sell at a flea market.

Even though there were a lot of candidates, I was able to determine the worst Christmas song of all time.  However, I must present to you, the second worst Christmas song of all time: "I'm An Elf" by Dan Crow. Watch this video if you dare!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP330n66mi4

This song is so bad nobody sings it at Christmas.  In fact, it sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks.

However, the winner of THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME  (drum roll, please, little drummer boy) is "Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey" by Lou Monte.

I would like to thank my old pal William Joe Wade, III of Bangkok, Thailand for alerting me to this song. This song was released in 1961 when I was two years old.  I had never heard of it until two weeks ago. Thanks a lot William Joe Wade, III. 

Where to begin.  Let's start with the first line. "Hey, Chingedy ching, hee haw, hee haw".  I know what the "hee haw" means, but what is "Chingedy ching"?

Then we discover Dominick is not just any old donkey. He is an "Italian Christmas donkey" who is another helper of Santa.  How many helpers does this fat guy need?

Apparently, the reindeer "cannot climb the hills of Italy" (or as Lou pronounces it, "EAT-AL-LEE").   The reindeer can fly all around the world in twenty four hours, land on houses without making a sound, etc, but they can't climb the hills of Italy.   I would make some pejorative remark that maybe the reason reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy is that Dominick has exclusive rights on Italy, if you catch my drift.  Maybe Luca Brasi presented Santa with an offer the jolly old elf couldn't refuse, capche?

Here is the song in all of its glory.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFqslqoKlN4


It makes want to listen to the dogs barking "Jingle Bells". Which is below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xam01uaj6Vg

 


 

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The New Rules

I don't remember who said it on Twitter but somebody said when they see a celebrity trending it means either they are dead or are accused of sexual harassment.

The accused are Democrats, Republicans, comedians, movie moguls, journalists, etc, just about every other carbon-based life form with  xy chromosomes.

The (mostly) proven accusations range in various levels of seriousness.

The Handsy Old Man: President George H.W. Bush.

The Gals Know I'm Joking:  Sen Al Franken

The Sure, Dude, Some Hot 20-something Year Old Wants to See You Naked and Hear The Great Question You Have for Thomas Friedman:  Charlie Rose.

The Sure I'll Ruin My Presidential Legacy: President Clinton.

The "Ick":  Louis CK

The "Quid Pro Quo Ick":  Harvey Weinstein

The "Criminal Ick":  Judge Roy Moore

The stories have spawned the #metoo movement in which women document the piggish behavior of men in the workplace.

I was in the work force when the first really big sexual harassment story hit. The Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill saga which included discussions of Coke cans and someone named, in Senate testimony, Long Dong Silver. Go back and read what Justice Thomas was accused of- it was very mild especially when compared to Harvey Weinstein.

This led to the new industry of consultants who sell videos to companies explaining their sexual harassment policies.

The problem is the policies are often vague and if there's one thing we know about men is that they need specific instructions.  You cannot say to a man, "go to the store and buy milk" thinking he will automatically know what brand to buy just because it has been magically appearing in the refrigerator for five years. No, you have to say, "Get the milk that has the picture of a cow wearing an apron" or he'll come back with almond milk or maybe a six-pack of Sprite.

I've decided to help my fellow man. Too many of us are being consumed by our combination of narcissism and plain stupidity. It is ruining too many lives.

Gentlemen, here are the rules.

1) No walking naked in front of a woman. They find this objectionable.

2) Do not touch a woman. Anywhere on her body. Don't even think about touching a woman.

3)  If you must touch a woman (example: she is drowning and you must pull her out of the water) use a ten foot pole. Only touch the hand.

4)  Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell one woman in the office she looks nice unless you are willing to tell every woman in the office she looks nice, including the one that wears the Wal-Mart track suit to work.

5)  You may comment on her hair, but only in general terms. For example: "Wow, I noticed you have hair and it looks different from when I saw it yesterday."  Avoid phrases like "You look like a porn star.  Also avoid phrases like "My Grandma has the same hairstyle".

6)  If you are a District Attorney and you have to ask somebody's mother for permission to go out, you need to seek professional help ASAP.

7)  News Flash:  A lot of women swear like sailors.  That doesn't mean you can.

8)  In the words of my old man: Act like you have some sense.

9)  There are women out there who use their womanly wiles to get ahead. These women will use you like you use them. However, the tables are turned and people are more likely to believe them than you when you say it was consensual and she says it was harassment.

10)  Look at Vice President Pence. Copy.

This Week's Picks

"fa·nat·ic:  a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal, especially for an extreme religious or political cause."


I don't think people really understand what a fanatic is until they meet an Alabama football fan.

Da Bears?  You are nothing.

The Cubs?  Pfft.

Red Sox?  Please.

The fans of the University of Alabama are simply at another level of fandom. They eat, sleep and breath Alabama football, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks out of the year.

Unless you have experienced it, you have no idea.

It is not enough for a Bama fan to have a t-shirt. He must have a Bama hat, Bama shoes, Bama socks and Bama underwear.  Their trucks must be maroon with Bama plastered all over it, just in case you might not know they are a Bama fan.

On Christmas Day, at a Bama fan's house.  Kid: "Deddy, do you think Coach Saban is opening his presents?"  Dad:  "Naw, he's too busy watching game film to open a present!"

No joke, one time, in March of this particular year, an Alabama fan demonstrated to me a new blocking scheme Saban introduced to the team. I have a hard time thinking about college football in March, in general, and particularly about blocking schemes since I am: a) not a lineman for the University of Alabama and b) in my 50's. I couldn't have cared less. I didn't even feign interest. I didn't even pretend to listen. I did everything except take out my phone and check Facebook to show my disinterest. Didn't work.

I know they have won a billion championships. It is impressive.

Here's your average conversation with a Bama fan..

"Yeah, you liddle skools like Tennusee, Ahia State, and Jawja have your four to five star recruits. We have five star recruits that hand out towels. That's how good we are. Our front line is a bunch of seven hundred star recruits. 

When Saban gets 'em, he coaches them up. Then when they go to the dorm to sleep, the ghost of Bear Bryant coaches them some more. They get two of the best coaches, and may I say, best human beans ever to walk on the face of the earth to coach 'em. Livin' Saban. Ghost Bear Bryant.  I don't know why anybody wants to play us."

This week's picks!


Dang Dawgs vs Kenyucky:   That crash you heard last week was UGA coming back down to earth after a pretty great season so far.  UGA made one big mistake in the game. They showed up.  Auburn totally dominated the game-they did everything right and UGA did everything wrong.  Everybody has a game like that. UGA plays Kentucky this week. Generally, that is good news.  However, Kentucky is 7-3 this year, so they are not the pushover.  UGA should win this game. They will. Dawgs win



Buzzy vs Dook:  Meanwhile, all of the nerds of Georgia rejoiced at Georgia Tech actually coming back and beating Virginia Tech.  This week, the Bees take on Duke. Duke is having a Duke-like year. Tech wins

Meecheegan  vs Wesconsen:  One of the side effects of UGA's loss to Auburn is that it brought Wisconsin back in to the FBS Playoff  picture because  WE NEED TO HAVE SOMEBODY FROM THE MIDWEST IF NOTRE DAME IS NOT IN IT. (This joke works really well if you imagine somebody from ESPN running around in circles screaming it.).  Wisconsin is the last great hope of The Big Ten to make the playoff.  Wisconsin wins.

 


Non Texas Aggies vs  Let's Talk Dirty in Hawaiian:  Not a lot of people know this, but This Week's Picks does requests. This request came from Sin City itself, Las Vegas, Nevada. This reader requested the Utah State Aggies versus Hawaii  to be reviewed. Since I know ZERO about either team, I went to the INTERNETS and discovered the motto of The University of Hawaii is "Ohka noka whatta setta knocka-rocka-sis-boom-boccas". Hawaii has won three games. Utah State has won Five.  For that reason, I'm picking Utah State to win. Plus, the reader sent me a Utah State t-shirt.  Aggies wins

Kennesaw State vs Monmouth:  This is probably the most important football game in the history of football. Kennesaw State, which did not have a football team for most of the Obama Administration, will be playing to WIN THE BIG SOUTH CONFERENCE and go the FCS PLAYOFF. On top of that, The Owls have the greatest trophy: The Turnover Plank. This is simply amazing. It is making me verklempt. You can talk among yourselves while I regain my composure. Here's a topic: The Partridge Family were neither partridges nor a family. Discuss.  My Beloved Owls win

The Turnover Plank: The Coolest Thing Kennesaw State Ever Did

This Week's Picks

Every time I think America has jumped the shark, I see something that gives me hope. Such as this comment from a reader to Clay Travis at Outkick The Coverage.

 “I can’t believe I have to request anonymity for this, but I might get fired if someone found out about this question: I’m watching the Auburn-TAMU game and the lady that’s doing the play by play, Beth Mowins, well she sucks. Most of her comments are fluff. She doesn’t seem to know the names of players. And in general, her voice annoys me something fierce. Most of all, I can’t shake the feeling that she got the job because she’s a female, not because she deserved it (I could totally be wrong and she might have paid her dues; I have no way of knowing)."

Here's the response from Clay Travis.

"I think Beth Mowins is awful and it has nothing to do with her being a woman. 

Her voice is grating to me and detracts from my enjoyment of the game, which is the exact thing that an announcer shouldn’t be doing.

The best line anyone sent me about Robert Lee being pulled off the Virginia game because of sharing a name with Robert E. Lee was the guy who Tweeted me, 'I wish Beth Mowins had been a Confederate general too.'"

I agree one hundred per-cent.  In fact, I sat down to specifically watch the Auburn-TAMU game as part of my research for this week's post. But, I heard her voice and I turned the channel.

I know. "I am woman, hear me roar".  Roar all you want to, but please don't do play by play.


This Week's Picks!


Dawgs vs WarTigers:  In case you haven't heard, UGA is the winner of the SEC East. They are also, for the second week in a row, the number one seed in the FBS playoff bracket.  This a big game. The Tiger-Eagles are a very, very good team. Aside from beating Alabama, nothing gives Auburn more pleasure than beating Georgia. StubHub shows 301 tickets left, starting at $198.00. Oh, what the heck, Georgia wins.  Barely.

Wrecked vs Other Tech:  My annual "I can't pick the wrong team on this one because both teams are Tech" pick.  Georgia Tech is probably the best 4-4 team in the country. They are not as mediocre as their record suggests.  Virginia Tech is 6-2 and not as good as their record implies. StubHub still has 996 tickets left, starting at $13.00. What a deal. In any event, Tech wins.

 Our Lady vs Myamme:  Ah yes, the old "Catholics vs Convicts" game. By the way, have you seen Miami Coach Mark "Cutie Pie" Richt lately?  The dude is growing a goatee. Or is it a Van Dyke? I get those confused.  He's gone to wearing all black too. It is kind of like a football version of Olivia Newton-John in the movie "Grease".  One minute he's the All-American Boy and the next minute he's driving grease lightning. (Look, I know I am mixing characters, but you can keep up)  (EDITOR: We've tried. We've really, really tried). One of these days, he might go get a new tattoo. He might take his Harley on a three day cruise. He might even grow a fu Manchu.  Wait. Where was I?. Oh yeah, the game.  Notre Dame has lost one game to UGA and that was by a single point. Miami barely beat FSU and Georiga Tech. That tells you all you need to know. Notre Dame wins. 

Who are you and what have you done with Mark Richt?

Aroused Lizards vs Soonerorlaterlovegonnagetcha:  I heard a rumor that teams in The Big 12 Conference have defenses. Not sure if it is true.   Oklahoma scored ten billion points last week, defeating its state rival  Oklahoma State who scored a mere 9.999 billion points.  TCU is the best team in the country named after a reptile.  It should be another high scoring affair, but Oklahoma has the law firm of Baker Mayfield on its side, so they should win.  Sooners win

My Beloved Owls vs Charleston Southern:  Last week, Kennesaw State traveled to Bozeman, Montana and defeated Montana State. They should be back in town from their trip to Bozeman any day now, since their flight only had stops in Billings, Portland (ME), El Paso, Orlando, Charlotte, Saint Louis, Dallas, and Minneapolis. Charleston Southern is 5-4, while Kennesaw State is 8-1. I think we all know who is going to win this one, don't we President Olens?  Owls wins

This Week's Picks

 I'm back in The Blog!

Yes, after a real busy month, This Week's Picks returns to Humor Me  for the rest of the season.

Mrs. Blog and I went to New York City for a vacation. We went to The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and a taping of  "Live with Kelly and Ryan".   On the show that day was  Mark Feuerstein, who stars in a CBS sitcom called "9JKL". It is about a divorced man who moves into an apartment next door to his parents, Alice from the 70's TV show "Alice" and the original Trapper John.  I haven't seen it either.

The BIG star on the show was Tom Selleck.  If you were a young man growing into maturity in the early 80's, you wanted to be Tom Selleck for a day. Just a day. Can you imagine the women that threw themselves at Tom Selleck back then?  The ugliest would be described as F-I-N-E.

Yep, I took this picture.  Ryan needs to dress like a man.

Tom has aged gracefully, I guess.  He looked like he would rather be somewhere else than talking with Kelly and Ryan, but he still had that Tom Selleck charm.  He seemed like he could down a couple of Jack and Cokes, look you square in the eye and say, "Morgan Fairchild. Three times. Once in a Yugo".

Is There Anyone More 80's Than Morgan Fairchild?

This week's picks!



Big Bad Dawgs vs Illegal Gaming Chickens: Well, looky who is the number one seed (for now) in the FBS Playoff bracket! It is the Jawja Booldawgs! Sic em! Arf!  I mean, Bark.  Well, there's still a ways to go, but this season has been pretty kind to the Bulldogs.  South Carolina is a pretty good team (I'm not going to call them by their name because this is a family blog), but I just don't think they are as good as the Dawgs.  I can't help it,though, I still worry about them. It comes from years of watching Vince Dooley on TV when I was a kid.  The guys on Gameday would call this a "trap game".  There's nothing the Mighty Chickens would want more than to crush UGA's time in the sun. It won't happen.  UGA wins! 

Buzzed vs Same Old Virginny:  Flying under the radar of  UGA's season is Georgia Tech, which could have easily been 6-1 by now instead of 4-3. The Cavaliers are 5-3, but I'm not super impressed by them. The Bees are a much better team. Tech wins.

Paul Johnson's Expression When He Learned Where Babies Come From

Illesyou vs Bamy:  Well, well. They were about to run Ed Orgeron out of Red Stick because he lost to Troy.  But, LSU has also beat Syracuse, which beat Clemson. Somehow, the Tigers have strung together some pretty good wins and are 6-2.   However, they are meeting 8-0 Alabama, which somehow is number two in the playoff bracket despite being number one in the country. Only in college football.  Do you know who is unhappy with the turn of events?  Could it be .....SATAN?  I'm pretty sure Coach Nick Satan is going to make sure they take out their frustations on LSU.  Bama wins!


 

Nick Is Not Happy

Other Tech vs Cutie Pie's New Team:  This just may be the best game of the weekend. Other Tech is 7-1 and Miami is 7-0.  Clay Travis wants Miami to play in the FBS Championship game and defeat UGA because what would be more "Georgia" than finally making it to the championship and losing to a Mark Richt coached team?  While that would be interesting, I think Other Tech is just a little bit better.  Hokies win!


Kennesaw State vs Montana State:  My beloved Owls, which, by the way, have entered the Top 25 in the FCS rankings, travel all the way to Bozeman, Montana to play Montana State.  The cheapest flight I found: $460.00. It takes 11 days to get there. You have stops in Birmingham, Montgomery, Salt Lake City, Honolulu, Portland (ME), and Minneapolis. I think you have to walk the last one hundred miles.  If you didn't know,  "Bozeman is a lively university town with a diverse choice of attractions and activities" according to the city of Bozeman's website.  I know it has an Outback Restaurant which is either the best or the worst restaurant in Bozeman, depending upon who you believe on Trip Advisor . The Montana State Bobcats are 4-4. The Owls are 7-1. The OWLS win (if not, then it will be a long trip home)

Bozeman: You Can't Get There From Here

From "Surviving The Smoke Hole"

Last year, I had an e-book published called Surviving The Smoke Hole.  It made millions of dollars.  Since my class reunion a couple of weeks ago, I've had many people (two) ask me about it. Here's an excerpt.

Most books written by my generation mention “change” and how quickly thing changed in our lifetime. The difference between 2005 and 2015 seems like ten years. The difference between 1963 and 1973 seems like one hundred years.

Looking at it from a historian’s eyes-ok, through the eyes of a person who majored in history in college and has watched the History Channel, a lot of events happened between 1963 and 1973. Mainly: Vietnam, The Beatles on Ed Sullivan, and various political/inspirational leaders being killed in public for no reason.

These topics have been written about ad nauseam, which according to my high school Latin teacher, Noel Jenks, means “a lot". I don’t want to review them here except to say The Beatles were great, I’m glad I didn’t go to Vietnam, and Lee Harvey Oswald shot John Kennedy.

I must be the only person my age that never watched The Beatles on Ed Sullivan. I am pretty sure my parents thought Ed Sullivan was a mentally ill. At least my mother did. She didn’t like that Ed Sullivan wouldn’t show Elvis and his hips but would show those old long haired boys from Liverpool. It didn’t make sense to her that Sullivan wanted to spare the world from Elvis’ hot smoldering Elvis shakes but didn’t have a problem with The Beatles saying they wanted to hold hands and you know where that would lead. (Up the arm, on the shoulder, then down to the Promised Land.)

She thought it was all about what today we would call “Southern Phobia” (i.e.: Sullivan was prejudice against Southerners). If Twitter was around, she probably would have tweeted: Sullivan stop hatin’ us. #Southernphobic.

What The Beatles did besides holding your hand was have long hair and this started a trend which was in full force by the time I got to high school. All the boys had their hair long in the seventies and the eighties.  This caused most parents, especially the dads, to remark how much the boys looked like girls with “that old long hair”.

The whole point of the above History Lesson is just to acknowledge that times were a’changin and they began a’changin big time in Cobb County in 1973.

Companies from the North began moving to the Atlanta area in 1973. Atlanta had developed a reputation as being a pearl in a sea of grits. Despite Lester Maddox’s best intentions, we didn’t have bad racial hostilities like Alabama and Mississippi. Basically, Atlanta cared only about one color: Green.  Atlanta was interested in business and running around beating people due to their skin color was bad for business, so Atlanta told the bigots and racists to shut up so the Northerners could move down here and bring their money.

East Cobb was close to Interstate 75, which when it wasn’t being “improved” could theoretically allow a person to leave his house in East Cobb at 7:30 and arrive at his office in downtown Atlanta at 8:00.  In reality, I-75 allowed a person to leave his house in East Cobb at 7:30 and arrive at his office in downtown Atlanta at 7:30 the next day.

In a classic bait and switch, the leaders of Cobb County touted their access to Atlanta as a plus and began to build high-class subdivisions in the Eastern part of the county. Now the subdivision I grew up in, Beverly Hills (really) was pretty snazzy before all of the Northerners moved down. Nice houses and a Home Owners Association, which Inez refused to belong to (we were not required to join since we moved in before the HOA was started) because she had this quaint notion that nobody had the right to tell anyone what to do with their property. Because she refused to join, she didn’t pay the fees for the subdivision’s pool therefore, we couldn’t go swimming there. This really became an issue for me when one of my friends saw a hot female classmate’s bosoms due to a swimsuit malfunction at the pool. I would have paid to see this malfunction. Thanks, Mom.

However, a new subdivision was soon built. This subdivision had a golf course. It was called Indian Hills.

I don’t think I ever met a native Southerner that lived in Indian Hills. It was always families from the North. The families whose dads were doctors, lawyers, or accountants; Big Shot Dads. Not like Old Man Manis, who in fairness was a foreman at Lockheed.  These Dads were hip and the Moms looked like they actually cared about their appearance. All of the kids in Indian Hills were above average and pretty nice looking, too.

All of those kids attended Wheeler.

Soon, other subdivisions were built and those houses were filled with the transplants from the North. Soon, another subdivision eclipsed Indian Hills: The Atlanta Country Club. 

The kids from The Atlanta Country Club made all of the rest of us seem like we were raised in a Philippines trash heap.

 All of those kids attended Wheeler.

It was nothing in Junior High School to have three or four new kids a week. All from the North. Everyone’s last name ending in a vowel. I remember one young lady, Lynn when she was introduced to our class in eighth grade. It had to have been a frightening experience for her. All of these eighth-grade eyes staring at you. None of them could have been more than a quarter Italian at best.  When she opened her mouth, the mother of all Boston accents came out. It had to be rough to have someone look at you and say, “Whut? Ah didunt understand a wered you sed” (Translation: “What? I didn’t understand a word you said.”).   

[Note: Shortly after I started this book, I learned Lynn had passed away several years earlier. I don’t ever remember teasing her, but if I did, I hope she forgave me. You have to cut us some slack. Most of us had heard about people from Massachusetts but we had never seen a kid our age from Massachusetts.]

There were kids from Minnesota, Indiana, New York, and Maryland. They were all just a tad bit better than the rest of us. Better hair, teeth, glasses, grades, and personalities. You wanted to dislike them because they would talk about how their Dads would let them drink beer and go to R-rated movies. But you couldn’t because they were so cool.

This population explosion in East Cobb caused two events to occur. One was the building of another new high school, George Walton (Walton) in another part of East Cobb to ease the overcrowding at Wheeler. The second was Split Sessions at Wheeler. The Upper Classmen (Seniors and Juniors) went in the morning because they had “jobs” and “cars”. The Sophomores and Freshman went in the afternoon.

Because of split sessions, my first two years of high school were spent in this weird blur of time. We went to school at Noon and got home after six. The lowly freshman did not even see the seniors, which was probably good for me since I had entered the awkward phase of my life known as the rest my life.

I entered 9^th grade just like I exited 8^th grade: with greasy moppy hair and thick horned rim glasses.  I would have looked like the average hipster today, but back then my look was the King of the Dorks. 

My look was forever captured on film during the “picture day” for the yearbook. Like most school picture days, it was a cattle call, but for some reason, this one was the worst of all picture days in the history of picture days.

First of all, it was one of those September days in Georgia when it is overcast, hot and the humidity was about a billion percent. The air conditioner unit at Wheeler, which apparently was a fan behind a block of ice, was out and the whole school smelled like one gigantic educational funk.

Secondly, you had a team of the worst photographers in the history of photography running the smelly, sweaty kids in and out in record time.  School legend had it that one kid’s school picture featured him with a fly on his nose. I would have chalked it up as an urban legend if I hadn’t seen my picture.

I was wearing my favorite maroon shirt that I thought made me look semi-cool and probably the best looking 9^th grade male on campus.  I had taken special care to WASH my hair the night before to give it the extra bouncy 1973 look. However, since this was at the end of the day, my hair looked like I just got out of the shower. Still, I was convinced I was the coolest looking kid ever, despite my horn-rimmed coke bottle glasses.

I remember the photographer telling me to say “Cheeseburger”, the flash of the bulb and the feeling that this picture was going to be on various mirrors of the comely young ladies of Wheeler.

When the pictures were handed out, it featured a greasy haired kid with horn-rimmed glasses with his lips pooched out like the “duck lips” pictures you see today on Facebook and Instagram. Nobody, I showed the picture to DID NOT laugh and this included several comely young ladies of Wheeler. My mother refused to buy them. She said she didn’t want this picture to be on the news if anything happened to me.  The problem was my eighth-grade picture wasn’t that much better except I wasn’t pooching out my lip but I guess that would have been her only choice.

My Remarks

I was one of the speakers at the Wheeler High School Class of 1977 40 Year Class Reunion.  Here are most of my remarks, with footnotes, added, in italics.

Welcome to the 40 year Reunion of The Class of 1977!  You're here! You've made it! Give yourself a hand!

I’m Alan Manis and I’ll be your fun facilitator for tonight. We’re going to have some fun and there will be some audience participation.

Speaking of audience participation….I want to do a little ice breaker.  Please stand if you have ever Rolled a house  or Rolled a joint.   (I made a little mistake here. Instead of first instructing the class to listen and then let everyone respond at the same time, I said "Rolled a house" and immediately most of the entire room stood up.   Then they sat down.  I went ahead and said "Rolled a joint" and several people-and this is the only way I can describe it-proudly stood up.)  

This explains everything, Mr. Hines!  (Marietta Daily Journal columnist Roger Hines who was a teacher at Wheeler in the '70's.)

People don’t realize how big of a thing it was for our class to roll a yard.  One house, I forget which one, had such an awesome roll job that it was featured in The Marietta Daily Journal.  And yes, I know the names of the individuals that did it. (My great, late friend Barry Suttle was involved in this roll job. He told me the names of other kids involved. He also told me about a 9th grade streaking incident. I know those names, too)

It was a status symbol.  I remember seeing one person (who is NOT here tonight) beg a leading “roller” (who I won't name except to say his name rhymes with Terry Tibble) to roll her house.  Yes, it was a status symbol until the rolled person’s dad made them clean up the mess.

Of course, all of us know why we have class reunions.  We want to see how awful and old looking our classmates have become!  And Bill Bergin, what happened?  (The joke here is this guy still looks like a million bucks.)   Just joking.  You still look great.    On top of that, we don’t need class reunions to see how bad people look, we have Facebook. (I'm not sure I actually said this sentence. If I didn't, I should have.)

Your reunion committee worked at the 40-year reunion of the Class of ’76 last year. Let me tell you, they were old looking.  At the check-in table, we gave them their name tag and a Medicare Advantage card. (Just joking)

I’m not saying they were old, but the most commonly heard phrase was "I've fallen and I can't get up!"  The second most commonly heard phrase was "Huh?" "What?"  (Just joking again, '76)

 

I’m not saying they were old, but one guy asked me where he could score a dime bag of Metamucil (Again, just a joke.)

Wow, 40 years.  Can you believe it?  It seems like yesterday I was listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd on my stereo.  Wait, that was yesterday.  Man, I’ve got to update my playlist. (It took three people to write this joke.)

Did you have any concept in 1977 of what you would be like in 2017? Back then, I had a hard time conceiving 40 minutes into the future much less forty years. 

Things were different in 1977. When my son was in high school, his school at Coke machines.   We had THE WATER FOUNTAIN. It came in one flavor: Water!  And we liked it! We loved it!  (I told my son that and he said, “Okay”.)

Our parents had it tough. THEY WALKED TO SCHOOL, THROUGH THE SNOW. It was UPHILL!  BOTH WAYS.  Then when they got to school, they found out the School had moved to….three miles down the road.

Most of our parents had tough lives growing up in the Depression, WWII, and Korea.  They didn’t get toys for Christmas. They got dirt. And it was the best dirt ever!

This is the toughest thing we could tell our kids: We had to GET UP OFF THE COUCH AND TURN A KNOB TO CHANGE CHANNELS ON THE TV SET. You only have four or five channels at best! And there was no DVR. If you missed that episode of “Happy Days”, you know, the one where Mrs. C tells Fonzie to “sit on it”, well, too bad. You had to wait until summer to see it. But we liked, we loved it

If I had a Time Machine, I would definitely go back to 1977.  

 

I would find 1977 Alan and tell him one thing: YES, YOU WILL GET SOME ACTION.

By the way, I was at our 5-year reunion and someone walked up to me and said, “So. Have you gotten laid, yet?”  There must have been some sort of pool about GUYS WHO WOULD NEVER GET ANY.   "I've got Manis, no sooner than Christmas Day, 1989"  (Afterwards, several classmates approached me saying they were happy I got laid.)

Looking back, I think we were an unusual class.  There were those of us who were born on the second floor of Kennestone Hospital. Then, I believe it was in 1972, we had a lot of kids move in from other places, primarily from the North, into the area. We were pretty diverse for a bunch of white kids.

Although a lot of us are not natives of Marietta, we have a lot in common.  We went up the same hill on Holt Road, walked through the same doors, walked the same halls, saw the same people, sat in the same desks and looked out of the same windows and we all knew the same thing.  We all knew where the “lie-berry” was.

Yes, good old Mr. Hipsher.  Incidentally, my son’s fourth grade teacher was Mr. Hipsher’s daughter-in-law.  I spent every parent-teacher conference trying to get her to say “lie-berry”. (Mr. Hipsher had a Southern accent and pronounced "library" as "lie-berry")  “When Ben has a project, you take him to…”  “The Media Center”.   “No, that’s not the word I was thinking of.”

I really feel sorry for Mr. Hipsher because being a Vice Principal in the70’s had to be the pits. You were always dealing with the bad kids.

Like the time I was sent to the office.  First of all, it was not my fault, it was Chris Moody’s fault.

    

Secondly, my “crime” was “eating lunch at the wrong time”.  We left class early and went to lunch. 

We got the note to see Mr. Hipsher in 6^th period.  When we got in there, Chris sat directly in front of him and I sat off to the side.  Mr. Hipsher, literally, lit into Chris like a drill instructor or Nick Saban when you miss a block. 

“Kras. Beall tole me what you boys did.  Yew just cain’t make up yer on rools” and this went on for about 10 minutes.  Everything was “skool” and “Yew” and the importance of “followin’ rools”

“Kras. Why yew wanna dew sumpthin like this?  Yew represented the skool  real well in that math tournament”. (Chris was part of the math team which won an tournament bringing great honor to the school).   “Whadda ya think the other skools will thang when they hear about this.”  (I was thinking, “How would they know?”).

He then said, “Kras, Imma ashamed of yew.”  Then he looked at me and said.  “Yew too, boy”.

Now I interrupt this story for a very important footnote.  At that time, you could not have detention after school. It had to be before school.  Chris, being smart, had a class before school started. They wanted to challenge the “smart kids” because it was bad to bore a smart kid.  Us dumb kids had the “window” that we could look out.  And since Chris was in this class, he could not have detention.

Mr. Hipsher was beside himself. “Kras, what would yew dew if yew were me? What punishment dew yew deserve?"

Now, Chris said, in all seriousness, “I think detention would be appropriate”.

I looked at him and almost said a real bad word.  Detention for eating lunch?  How am I going to explain that to Inez?  My mom drummed it into my head,  “Alan I know you’re not smart, but you can at least behave”).

Mr. Hipsher looked at Chris and then looked at the ceiling. And said, “Naw, you boys go back to class, I don’t everwant to see you again”.

Since graduation, I think our class has done some wonderful things. One classmate is considered a leading expert in infant crib death in Europe. Another  won the 1986 PGA Championship. Off the top of my head, we have a couple of lawyers and a Canadian judge. We have three or four pastors. Pam Stone had a successful career in stand-up comedy and was on a TV show. Danny Simpson has written hit songs and some incredible comedy for the late Tim Wilson. We’ve had several teachers and one was Cobb County Teacher of The Year.  One classmate is considered a leading designer of golf courses in the county.  One classmate got his Ph.d before our 5 year reunion. We have several in IT.  We have at least two doctors and a veterinarian. And I have spoken with Eddie Van Halen’s mother in law.

(After this, I introduced Mr. Hines.  I'm including because it was one of the honors of my life to introduce Roger Hines.)

I went to school for 12 years in Cobb County. My four year degree took six years to obtain. Plus, I went back to school for a year one time. So that is 19 years worth of education and I would have to say Roger Hines was the best educator I’ve ever encountered. After we graduated, he made his way up to North Cobb to teach. He’s retired now, but he has served in the Ga House of Representatives. He ran for Congress.  He’s now a columnist for the Marietta Daily Journal.  It is my great pleasure to introduce The Grammar Hammer himself, Roger Hines.

After Mr. Hines spoke (and it was great), I introduced the ladies I served on The Reunion Committee. I 'm including it here because of the great work they did. Plus, I wanted to prove to Terri Sabo that I did include her.

I would like recognize the members of The Reunion Committee.  Denise Dickson Younker (she’s got to do this next year); Cynthia Killingsworth Fortenberry (she did the Power Point); Carol Wright Underwood (who helped with our finances); Meg Pittard Daniels (who has been married, as of last week, for 39 years), Sweet Debi Casto Kelly (who knows just everybody); Terri Sabo (who printed our name tags and got Cobb County to pay for it);  Sandy Dasinger Quarles (whoever does this next time has to have Sandy’s help because she understands Pay Pal) Lori Stanley Manis ( who is not in our class, but is the hottest member of our bunch and I’m not just saying that because lets me sleep with her). The leader of this rag-tag bunch of goofballs was Lisa Eubanks Dorner. If there is anybody who loves you more than I do it is her. Finally, one of our members passed this last April, our buddy, Barry Suttle, who is represented here by his son Eric.

 

This Week's Picks!

A little of bit of news from Picks Central.

First of all, This Week's Picks will be taking a brief hiatus from this award winning blog. When I say brief, I mean, a couple of weeks. Do not reach for the Xanax.

I will be out of town next week, but I will do a truncated This Week's Picks on my Facebook page. That just happens to be the weekend of the UGA-Tennessee  game, which is always one of my favorite games of the year.

I plan to do a blog about my trip in the first week of October. So, that means another TWP on my Facebook page.

The second week of October is up in the air.  My high school class reunion is that week and I  have to prepare some remarks to entertain my fellow Wheeler alumni.  Here's what I have so far.

"Cafeteria food. Yuck. Am I right?"

"Things were better back then. Not like now. Yuck".

"What's up with the Dewey Decimal System?"

"These kids today with their Hip and Hoppin music."

"My daddy taught me to believe in two things: The First Amendment and boobs".

So, you can see I some more work to do. I might be able to post TWP  here, but it might have to go on Facebook.   In any event, I ask for your patience and just realize I can jinx a team just as well on Facebook as I can here.


This Week's Picks!



Dawgs vs Other Dawgs:  Remember the misty water colored memories of last month when you hadn't given two seconds of a thought to the Georgia-Mississippi State game?  Good times.  I guess when I saw this game on the schedule, I just figured UGA would win . Now, after seeing what State did to LSU, I'm not so sure. They are more settled at quarterback than Georgia and plus their coach is probably the second best coach in the conference. I know that might not be saying much, but it is true.   On top of everything else, I know a ton of  MSU alumni. Lucky me.   Mississippi State wins

Bees vs Kitty Cats from Pittsburgh:  It has been a while since we have seen the smiling face of Paul Johnson roaming the sidelines, looking for some 18 year old freshman to blame for a loss. Pitt just isn't a very good team. Tech should win this game. They will.  Tech wins.

Bama vs Commode Doors: Another game, another Tweet by a Alabama fan complaining about the performance of the guys that squirt the Gatorade into the players mouth. "How n the hale can we win nuther NAT'L CSHIP W/OUT PROPER HYDRATION! LAME".  Vanderbilt's coach Derek Mason is doing the Lord's work in the devil's vineyard, but it's not enough.  Bama wins.

I know this isn't about football, but it is a great redneck meme

Wartigers vs Misery:  Here's a question for you.  Which state in the union has the most cows?  Mooooooosouri (Missouri).  Get it?   Missouri is having one of those years: bad.  Auburn should be better than they are, but they seem like they are stuck in second gear.  Auburn should be able to easily handle Missouri. Hey, it's not like they are Mercer or something. Auburn wins 

It is Five O'Clock Somewhere vs Who's Your Momma:  Did you know that the famous blues singer Blind Willie McTell was from Statesboro, the home of Georgia Southern University. McTell wrote the song Statesboro Blues, which oddly enough is about Georgia Southern's season this year.  The Eagles have only played two games, but they haven't looked good at all. The coach seems a  little out of it, also. In any event, this is a money game. A couple of years ago, Georgia Southern could have possibly beat Indiana. They won't this year.   Indiana wins.

Nobody could sing the blues like Blind Willie McTell

This Week's Picks

This week started out pretty rough. Hurricane Irma hit Florida and left it in a mell of a hess as we Baptists say.  It was so bad that Georgia Tech canceled their game with the University of Central Florida. When was the last time you ever heard of a football game being canceled?

Irma was a "tropical storm" when it hit the Atlanta area. It caused a lot of trees to fall. This means power lines were knocked out. This means homes were left without electricity.

Everywhere except where I live in Cobb County.  The wind blew and it rained but nobody lost trees in my neighborhood. My power stayed on during the entire storm. While all of Atlanta was sitting in the dark, I was at Lowe's picking out tile for my wife's bathroom.

Sorry.

Funny, every time I hear about a hurricane, I think about Jimmy Buffett's "Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season".


           Squalls out on the gulf stream, big storm coming soon
           I passed out in my hammock
          God, I slept till way past noon.
           I stood up and tried to focus, I knew I wouldn't have to look far
           I knew I could use a Bloody Mary,
           So I stumbled next door to the bar. 


There's a lot of people in Texas and Florida trying to reason with Hurricane season. We need to remember them with our prayers and financial support.  Sermon's over.




This Week's Picks!




Big Bad Bulldogs vs Baptist Bulldogs: Just in case you didn't hear, UGA went up to South Bend and beat (by one point)  mighty highfalutin Notre Freakin' Dame.  Anytime anyone beats the Passive-Aggressive Irish (they no longer "fight" since they had an intervention), it is a time of great rejoicing. Particularly this time, when Jawja didn't seem to melt underneath the big lights. They are hosting Samford, which beat my beloved Owls in the longest game ever in the history of college football (technically, it is still being played.)   UGA is just too big.  Georgia wins.

 


Rocky Topped vs Reptiles:  To me, the Tennessee-Florida game really begins the football season. Tennessee somehow beat Georgia Tech while Florida looked bad in the ONE GAME WE WANTED THEM TO LOOK GOOD IN.  I guess Florida is the "better" team. But I'm not sure. I'm going out on a limb and picking Tennessee, but you know, whatever.  Tennessee wins.

Rock Rubbing Tigers vs Lousyville:  Another Confession-I've never really cared for Clemson that much.  I don't get the Orange and Purple stuff. And rubbing the rock as you run down hill. What is that about?  (That is a rhetorical question-please don't answer it.)   However, I really want Clemson to win because Louisville is coached by the spawn of Satan (the real one), Bobby Petrino.  Do you realize Lousiville is Petrino's third coaching job since he left the Falcons ten years ago?  The Lord will answer my prayers and smite Bobby Petrino.   Clemson wins

Ellesyew vs Other Bulldogs:  Here's a story from the History of The State of Louisiana  textbook that all of the seventh graders study in Baton Rouge.  "Years ago, when Boudreaux was a college freshman, being fresh off the farm, and a rather healthy young man, he figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch dis," Boudreaux told him, and proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"  "Sure I can run," said Boudreaux. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" exclamed the excited coach. "But can you pass a football?" Boudreaux rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds.  "Coach," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."   LSU wins

My Beloved Owls vs The Hornets:  If you remember, a couple of weeks ago, an influential Kennesaw State backer, advised President Olens to revoke my diploma because I picked Samford to defeat Kennesaw State.  I am happy to report my diploma is still on the wall.   It will be safe for at least another week.  Kennesaw State wins.

This Week's Picks!

It is not a coincidence that people have been looking forward to this college football season.

For one thing, have you gone to the movies lately?  No?  Well, you're not alone because this summer has been terrible for Hollywood, box office-wise.

There are several reasons for this. One, the movies suck. Two, the movies suck.  Three, the movies suck bad. Four, the movies based on comic books really suck.

This is how bad it is:  my wife and I went to see Despicable Me 3.  Okay, it is a cartoon, but at least it wasn't a sequel to a movie based on a Disney World ride or anything out of "The Marvel Universe".

We missed the matinee. We had to pay the full ticket price. Fortunately, there were loan officers available and we qualified for a Home Equity Line of credit so we could see the movie and get some popcorn.

Verdict:  Despicable Me 3 was okay. Too much Steve Carrell. Not enough Minions.

This Week's Picks!



Our Puppies vs Our Lady:  Generally, UGA doesn't play a marquee game until the last couple of weeks of September. But this time, uncharacteristically, The Dawgs are playing The Fighting Ethnic Stereotypes in South Bend.  Georgia's starting quarterback, Jacob Eason, got hurt in the App State game. Here's what Paul Finebaum says:  "That's a big blow," (Easton's injury). "His replacement, Jacob Fromm was playing high school football a year ago. He's very talented. But Eason won big games last year. He won two on the final possession. Trust me, I am bald headed and wear glasses"   Not to argue with Paul Finebaum, but Eason lost big games last year, too.  Eason was the tenth out of the twelve ranked quarterback last year in the SEC. Sure, you want someone with experience playing in a "big game" like this, but I'm not sure it would make a difference one way or another this year as long as Chubb and Michel are there. Dawgs win.

Wrecked vs Gaming Birds From The Mythical State of Jacksonville:  The Bees welcome Jacksonville State, which is neither in Jacksonville or is a state. You never know about JSU. They gave Auburn fits a couple of years ago. But I just don't see Tech losing this game, but then again, they had 535 rushing yard against Tennessee and still lost.  Tech wins

Georgia Tech Coach Paul Johnson, Tuesday Morning.

 War Eagletigers vs Orange Tigers: The Whatever they are called this week from Auburn travel to The 2016 NCAA Champions Clemson Tigers. Here's a joke for you: Q. What do the Auburn Tigers and Billy Graham have in common?  A: They both can make 75,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.   That's the kind of knee slapping humor you've come to expect from This Week's Picks.  Auburn whooped up on Georgia Southern last week.  Clemson killed Kent State (which is not a state, either).  I just think Clemson is a better than Auburn.  Clemson wins



Sooner or Later, You'll Leave Oklahoma vs Ahia State. I have never liked either one of these schools (Oklahoma or Ohio State). I'm not sure why. They never did anything to me. I've known alumni from both schools and they were very nice people. By the way, did you hear how the Buckeye fan died from drinking milk?  The cow fell on him. (Or maybe that was the Oklahoma fan?)  Anyway, Ohio State wins.



The Place Where I Send My Parents Plus Loans vs The New Hampshire is Same As The Old Hampshire:  Georgia Southern (School Song: "Yes, I Guess, They Ought To Name A Drink After You") welcome the New Hampshire Snowplows Wildcats to Paulson Stadium. I would love to see the face of The New Hampshire players as they drive up from the Savannah airport. "What ahre these wicked swarhamin' things around my face?" The famous South Georgia gnats are Georgia Southern's  secret weapon.  Georgia Southern wins




My Beloved Owls vs Hillbilly Tech:  Last week, my beloved alma mater played the opening game of the season at Samford.  It had a twelve-hour storm delay (give or take a couple of hours). I picked Samford to win because my liberal arts edumacation at Kennesaw State taught me to look objectively at issues and base my conclusions on facts.   I got this response on Facebook from Caric Martin, who was recently elected to The Owls Sports Hall of Fame and whose father taught my Economics class. (I made a B, yeah come on.)  Caric said, "Alan, this is President Olens when I told him that an alumni had picked Samford to win. I suggested he revoke your diploma!"   Thanks, Caric, I knew I could count on you.  Owls win.

This Week's Picks!

It is that time of year again!  Time for our favorite professional sport, college football!

This marks the fifteenth year of "This Week's Picks".

It started on Wheeler Alumni. Com, which was a message board for the graduates of my alma mater, Wheeler High School.  I posted predictions on what I thought was the most interesting games and my fellow alumni would comment. Usually, their comments were along the lines of "You're stupid".

Due to something I never really understood, this message board went into hiatus for several years and I migrated  TWP (as it is known in the business) to Wheeler Alumni. Org another message board for the graduates of my high school. To my knowledge, it was the last Wheeler Alumni message board. There's not a Wheeler Alumni. Net or Wheeler Alumni. Gov.  Not yet, at least.

It was at.Org that I did my most ambitious TWP project.  I made predictions on all of the Bowl Games in 2007.  Do you know how many Bowl Games there were in 2007?  A lot and I got some of them right. Now I missed a lot, but I didn't care.  The reason I didn't care is I had what is clinically known as Heiney Surgery. You would be surprised how little you care about The Meineke Car Care Bowl when you have Heiney Surgery. (Wake Forest defeated Connecticut. I think I got that one right.)

TWP took another step forward when I added it to my blog (Humor Me) mainly because it counts as a weekly post.  In the first few years of my blog, TWP was one of my most commented on posts. Usually, again, it was "Your stupid"  (yes, I know, I misspelled "you're" but that's how we spell it nowadays)

Then, for some reason, I decided to move TWP to my Facebook page.  I received many comments to my Friday TWP Facebook post.  Mostly "U. R. Stoopid".

I finally brought it back to the blog where it belongs.

This Week's Picks!



Bullpuppies vs Crappy State: You could say Kirby Smart's first year as coach of UGA was a little bit disappointing, but give the guy credit: he guided the team back from a tough Nichols team!  The Dawgs start out with Appalachian State, who, if memory serves, stunned Michigan in the first game of the season in 2007.   Georgia better win. They will.  Georgia wins!


Bees vs Rocky Topped:  Coach Paul (Chuckles) Johnson leads The Wreck that Rambles into the new Please, Please Stay Falcons Stadium with a new quarterback and their best player being kicked off the team. This would be a problem if they were playing anybody else but Tennessee, who has not been exactly consistant over the past couple of years.   My rule of thumb: when the ACC plays the SEC, go with the SEC.  Tennessee wins!

Tide of Crimson vs Semi-noles  Remember those days when David Shula coached Bama and we were sure their glory days were behind them?  Good times.  Bama Coach Nick Satan has been planning for this game since  January 10th.  He has a process, you know.  Bama wins!

Wartigers vs The Blues of Statesboro:  Georgia Southern (motto: "I like beer. It makes me a jolly good fellow") travels to the loveliest village in the ugliest part of Alabama to pick up a pay check.  I wish The Eagles would make a game of it. They won't. Auburn wins.

Meechigan vs Lizards: Do you remember when people thought Jim Harbaugh was this real sharp guy? It's been a while. Anyway, Michigan plays Florida. Although I know many nice people that went to Florida, I dispise Florida, mainly because they always beat UGA. Michigan is a my favorite Big Ten team, even with Harbaugh.  I hate going with the Gators.  Florida wins!

 My Beloved Owls vs Baptist Bulldogs: Can you believe it is Kennesaw State's third football season? The Owls open their season against Samford, which supposedly houses a whole bunch of Baptists. Let us prey. Ha, Ha. See what I did there?   It would be a big deal if Kennesaw States wins. They won't.  Samford wins.

The Greatest Meme in the history of Memes