Last week was the annual edition of “Clean Old Fashioned Hate”: The Georgia-Georgia Tech football game. As rivalries go, it can be intense. It is not as brutal as Alabama-Auburn, which makes grown men poison trees. The Alabama-Auburn rivalry takes rivalry to an entirely new psychotic level.
The fans of UGA and Georgia Tech take to internet message boards to express themselves. Both sets of fans use common themes to describe the other school. Georgia Tech prides itself on being a very competitive academic institution and likes to point out that UGA is basically one big short bus. UGA just yells “Nerds” in the direction of Georgia Tech and points out it has better looking coeds.
Mark Bradley of the AJC, wrote a blog about the game, which Georgia won fairly easily. Here are two representative posts; one from a Tech fan and one from a Georgia fan
“Also taking bids on having my septic tank pumped – any dawgs will get an extra $100 if they bark for me during the job”-Shine My Shoe Dawgs. This was posted after UGA won and you will notice that it does not make mention of the game, which was the topic of Mr. Bradley’s blog.
“Dont have time to clean a septic tank. Ive got to do a performance review for about 4 tech grads. There will be lots of negative comments about star wars figures on the desk and the need for better social skills”- Turkeyneck. Despite the grammatical errors, I give Turkeyneck props for using the old reliable: the lack of social skills of smart people, which is always a hoot.
This Week’s Picks!
Dawgs vs. Ellessyou: The SEC championship is being held here in Atlanta and there is some talk that Georgia has a “puncher’s chance” against LSU. LSU is number one for a reason-they are the best college football team in the nation. I just don’t see a way for Georgia to win. Even if UGA won, LSU and Alabama will meet up again for the Mythical National Championship and there is nothing anybody can do about it so shut your pie hole. LSU wins.
Other Tech vs. Clumpson: The ACC Championship reminds me of the escalators at the mall. One side is going up and the other side is going down. Virginia Tech is going up. Guess which side Clemson is on? Virginia Tech Wins.
The State of Meechigan vs. WesCONson: The blog, Outkick The Coverage, reports that there is an ad in Craig's List offering to pay people $75.00 to attend the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis. Stubhub is reporting ticket prices starting at $9.00. It is too bad that this game is getting negative press, because both teams are enjoyable to watch. I like Wisconsin a lot. Wisconsin wins.
Ducks vs. Leaderless Bears: UCLA made news this week by firing their coach for a 6-6 record. Hey, it was good enough to make it to the conference championship. Oregon will be there in one of their 4,000 uniforms. Oregon wins.
Old Dominion vs. Georgia Southern: Georgia Southern, winner of the Pabst Blue Ribbon “School of Edumacation Excellence” plays Old Dominion University in the second round of the FCS playoffs. The most famous alumni of Old Dominion: 2011 American League MVP/Cy Young award winner Justin Verlander. Other famous alumni include Ben Bailey (of “Cash Cab”) and the late Tommy Newsome (of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show). Georgia Southern wins.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The Annual Yule Time Compliant About Christmas Songs
In case you’ve missed it, we have entered the Christmas season. It is a time of good will to all men, except for the lady in the “Black Friday” Target commercials. The actress in this commercial was all excited about going to get the great deals at Target on "Black Friday". This is what Don Draper and Pete Campbell pitched the big wigs at Target. The commercials the public saw was a person in serious need of medication. Several of my Facebook friends mentioned how much they hated this woman, one even going so far as calling the woman a name that rhymes with “rich” and wanted her killed and/or fired. (Which would be a funny commercial, if you ask me.)
As long as we are complaining, let me add my yearly complaint about Christmas Songs. Here in the Atlanta area, we have two radio stations that play only Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas. The music falls in to several categories.
Category One: Songs we all know and love sung by someone we don’t like. Usually this means Gloria Estefan.
Category Two: Novelty Christmas songs about the death of elderly relatives by reindeer, wanting the gift of zoo animals, and hula hoops (sung by a rodent).
Category Three: Christmas songs about doing it. (I mean this in the 70’s and 80’s meaning of the term.) The weather outside is frightful. Let’s do it! Later on, we’ll conspire, naked as jaybirds by the fire. It is hard to imagine what Jesus or the manger has anything to do with some of these songs. Whoever wrote “Santa Baby” should be ashamed of themselves.
Category Four: Various Rock Star Christmas Song. For every Bruce Springsteen “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”, which is probably the worst song Sir Paul ever wrote and that is saying something. My favorite dumb rock star Christmas song is by The Beach Boys in which they tell us “Christmas comes this time each year”. No wonder Brain Wilson laid in his bed for years. [Speaking positively, I need to add that the best rocking Christmas song is “Run, Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry]
Category Five: “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. This song, according to James Lileks, is the Christmas song equivalent to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. But it is more than that now. It is now part of the annual argument about the meaning of the most annoying Christmas song ever.
In the 70’s, when inflation was all the rage, the news anchors at all of the “Eye Action Witness News” would read a story about how much it would cost to give “your true love” all of the presents in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. It would be some astronomical amount that would make Ma and Pa shake their heads and start opining about Christmas in The Depression, when people would draw their presents on pieces of paper, if they were lucky enough to have paper, and give them to their loved ones, if they were lucky enough to have any. But Christmas was better back then!
When I got to college, I was taking a history class about the Middle Ages and the professor causally mentioned “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and that all of the presents were birds! Of course, being armed with that knowledge helped me become the success I am today.
Years later, I was watching a Pastor on TV who said that “The Twelve Days of Christmas” written as a ‘catechism song’ to help young Catholics learn the faith. (The two turtle doves were the Old and New Testament; the four calling birds were the Gospels, etc) That turned my “the presents were all birds” lecture on its head and soon, even I, the history major, was telling people that this annoying song was a catechism song.
Of course, I missed the two warning signs about this interpretation of the song. One, there is no documentation or supporting evidence except “I heard somebody say” or “Someone sent it to me in an e-mail”. Two, it became popular in the 90’s, the same decade Bill Clinton became popular. That says it all.
I could go on and on. Country music singers have no business releasing Christmas albums. “A-weigh in a mayger, no creeb for his baid. The lil’ Lord Jaysus laid down his schwet haid”. That song by the group Alabama, “Christmas in Dixie” is just about a dumb as it gets.
Now that I’ve offended just about everybody, may all of your Christmases be white.
As long as we are complaining, let me add my yearly complaint about Christmas Songs. Here in the Atlanta area, we have two radio stations that play only Christmas music from Thanksgiving to Christmas. The music falls in to several categories.
Category One: Songs we all know and love sung by someone we don’t like. Usually this means Gloria Estefan.
Category Two: Novelty Christmas songs about the death of elderly relatives by reindeer, wanting the gift of zoo animals, and hula hoops (sung by a rodent).
Category Three: Christmas songs about doing it. (I mean this in the 70’s and 80’s meaning of the term.) The weather outside is frightful. Let’s do it! Later on, we’ll conspire, naked as jaybirds by the fire. It is hard to imagine what Jesus or the manger has anything to do with some of these songs. Whoever wrote “Santa Baby” should be ashamed of themselves.
Category Four: Various Rock Star Christmas Song. For every Bruce Springsteen “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a Paul McCartney “Wonderful Christmas Time”, which is probably the worst song Sir Paul ever wrote and that is saying something. My favorite dumb rock star Christmas song is by The Beach Boys in which they tell us “Christmas comes this time each year”. No wonder Brain Wilson laid in his bed for years. [Speaking positively, I need to add that the best rocking Christmas song is “Run, Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry]
Category Five: “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. This song, according to James Lileks, is the Christmas song equivalent to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. But it is more than that now. It is now part of the annual argument about the meaning of the most annoying Christmas song ever.
In the 70’s, when inflation was all the rage, the news anchors at all of the “Eye Action Witness News” would read a story about how much it would cost to give “your true love” all of the presents in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. It would be some astronomical amount that would make Ma and Pa shake their heads and start opining about Christmas in The Depression, when people would draw their presents on pieces of paper, if they were lucky enough to have paper, and give them to their loved ones, if they were lucky enough to have any. But Christmas was better back then!
When I got to college, I was taking a history class about the Middle Ages and the professor causally mentioned “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and that all of the presents were birds! Of course, being armed with that knowledge helped me become the success I am today.
Years later, I was watching a Pastor on TV who said that “The Twelve Days of Christmas” written as a ‘catechism song’ to help young Catholics learn the faith. (The two turtle doves were the Old and New Testament; the four calling birds were the Gospels, etc) That turned my “the presents were all birds” lecture on its head and soon, even I, the history major, was telling people that this annoying song was a catechism song.
Of course, I missed the two warning signs about this interpretation of the song. One, there is no documentation or supporting evidence except “I heard somebody say” or “Someone sent it to me in an e-mail”. Two, it became popular in the 90’s, the same decade Bill Clinton became popular. That says it all.
I could go on and on. Country music singers have no business releasing Christmas albums. “A-weigh in a mayger, no creeb for his baid. The lil’ Lord Jaysus laid down his schwet haid”. That song by the group Alabama, “Christmas in Dixie” is just about a dumb as it gets.
Now that I’ve offended just about everybody, may all of your Christmases be white.
Monday, November 21, 2011
This Week's Picks
Broadcasting lost a legend this week with the passing of Larry Munson, who was the play by play announcer for the Georgia Bulldogs. You did not listen to Larry Munson-you experienced him. He was an absolute hoot because you never knew what would come out of his mouth (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t know either).
I loved the Munson moments during the games like everyone else. But I loved the other Munson moments, his “Larry Munson on Sports” which was on WSB-AM for years. During the latter years, Munson would speak more about “The Movie Group” and what they went to see then he would about sports. He would talk about seeing the latest Julia Roberts flick and how much he enjoyed it. Something about the thought of Larry Munson watching “America’s Sweetheart” strikes me as funny. I would pay to hear somebody imitate Larry Munson giving his review of “The Matrix”.
He also hosted “Bulldog Hotline”. “Bulldog Hotline” is the typical Deep South college football show. It is a show for the true believers- the ones that know that we have to get that kid from Waycross to sign, even if he has a 35 IQ and eats spaghetti with his fingers.
Larry: “Al from Austell, you’re on The Bulldog Hotline”.
Al: “Uh, Larry, I know it is early April but I’ve been looking over the schedule for not only this season but for the upcoming five seasons. I honestly don’t know how we can lose a game. I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.”
Larry: “I did the same thing too but I don’t know how we can win a game. Auburn signed a massive nose tackle from Columbus, and boy, it is just going to be rough to even field a team, much less play in a game.”
Larry Munson was simply a great radio broadcaster. We’ll never find another one like him or our pair of hob nail boots.
This Week’s Picks!
Dawgs vs. Bees: I am one of those unusual people who roots for both teams since I didn’t go to either school. Howevah, when it is UGA versus Tech, I root for Georgia since I’ve been washed in the blood of the lamb. Tech’s had an odd year-they beat Clemson handily, but almost blew it against Duke. Georgia slept walked against Kentucky last week. Georgia’s defense should be used to the triple option by now. Georgia wins.
Bamy vs. Eagles of War: Last Saturday, the Georgia Southern Eagles put up 21 points against Alabama, more than any other team this year. Auburn wishes they could put up 21 point against Bama. They also wish Cam Newton had a brother. Bama wins.
The Other White Meat vs. Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too: The SEC has three of the top teams in The BCS rankings. It also has a team coached by Satan. LSU wins and goes to Atlanta.
Old Mess vs. Messy State: The annual Ole Miss-Mississippi State game is called “The Egg Bowl” for reasons known only to the people of the Great State of Mississippi. This year it should be called “The Rotten Egg Bowl” because both teams have stunk it up big time this year. At least, Mississippi State tries. The Other Dogs win.
The Only Ohio State University vs. Meechigan: Last week I picked Michigan to lose against Nebraska. Of course, the only game I called incorrectly last week-Michigan kicked some Husker hind ends. I always enjoy this game because I like seeing Ohio State lose, I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ll pray about it. Michigan wins.
I loved the Munson moments during the games like everyone else. But I loved the other Munson moments, his “Larry Munson on Sports” which was on WSB-AM for years. During the latter years, Munson would speak more about “The Movie Group” and what they went to see then he would about sports. He would talk about seeing the latest Julia Roberts flick and how much he enjoyed it. Something about the thought of Larry Munson watching “America’s Sweetheart” strikes me as funny. I would pay to hear somebody imitate Larry Munson giving his review of “The Matrix”.
He also hosted “Bulldog Hotline”. “Bulldog Hotline” is the typical Deep South college football show. It is a show for the true believers- the ones that know that we have to get that kid from Waycross to sign, even if he has a 35 IQ and eats spaghetti with his fingers.
Larry: “Al from Austell, you’re on The Bulldog Hotline”.
Al: “Uh, Larry, I know it is early April but I’ve been looking over the schedule for not only this season but for the upcoming five seasons. I honestly don’t know how we can lose a game. I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.”
Larry: “I did the same thing too but I don’t know how we can win a game. Auburn signed a massive nose tackle from Columbus, and boy, it is just going to be rough to even field a team, much less play in a game.”
Larry Munson was simply a great radio broadcaster. We’ll never find another one like him or our pair of hob nail boots.
This Week’s Picks!
Dawgs vs. Bees: I am one of those unusual people who roots for both teams since I didn’t go to either school. Howevah, when it is UGA versus Tech, I root for Georgia since I’ve been washed in the blood of the lamb. Tech’s had an odd year-they beat Clemson handily, but almost blew it against Duke. Georgia slept walked against Kentucky last week. Georgia’s defense should be used to the triple option by now. Georgia wins.
Bamy vs. Eagles of War: Last Saturday, the Georgia Southern Eagles put up 21 points against Alabama, more than any other team this year. Auburn wishes they could put up 21 point against Bama. They also wish Cam Newton had a brother. Bama wins.
The Other White Meat vs. Went In Dumb-Come Out Dumb Too: The SEC has three of the top teams in The BCS rankings. It also has a team coached by Satan. LSU wins and goes to Atlanta.
Old Mess vs. Messy State: The annual Ole Miss-Mississippi State game is called “The Egg Bowl” for reasons known only to the people of the Great State of Mississippi. This year it should be called “The Rotten Egg Bowl” because both teams have stunk it up big time this year. At least, Mississippi State tries. The Other Dogs win.
The Only Ohio State University vs. Meechigan: Last week I picked Michigan to lose against Nebraska. Of course, the only game I called incorrectly last week-Michigan kicked some Husker hind ends. I always enjoy this game because I like seeing Ohio State lose, I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ll pray about it. Michigan wins.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
This Week's Picks
Two things since last week’s “Joe Must Go” post: One,if you listen to Mike McQueary, you get the impression he put a beat down on Jerry Sandusky. Then he called the cops, the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, and The Super Friends. However, if you read the indictment, it seems like McQueary witnessed the crime and then went and got a Slurpee on the way to telling his dad that he finally understands what Sodomy means. Two: the interview Jerry Sundusky had with Bob Costas was a like a “Saturday Night Live ” skit except it was pathetic. Why his attorney allowed him to do that is another mystery in this awful case.
This Week’s Picks!
Mighty Dogs vs. Kenyucky: Remember several weeks ago when “The Playboy Club” was still on the air and everyone thought the next time Mark Richt was introduced it would be as the Head Coach of The Fighting Kennesaw State Owls? Well, UGA has run off a string of wins which means Mark Richt has learned how to coach and all is well with my soul. The first name of the head coach of Kentucky is Joker. Really. A win for the Dogs means they win the SEC East and all that comes with it: get whomped by LSU. Dawgs win.
Brains vs. Brains: Tech and Duke fight it out for the prized “Nerd Trophy” Tech had a rough time last week against the Other Tech. I cannot remember when they had a hard time with Duke. Bees win.
Mess State vs. Pigs: Personal confession time. I know several people that either have gone to Mississippi State and/or send their children there. I even know “Mr. Cowbell”, who doesn’t go to MSU, but dresses up like a cowbell to go to football games. (Ladies, you’ll be interested in knowing that there is no “Mrs. Cowbell”.) Every person I know that has anything to do with Mississippi State is happy they went there, even if their diploma contains the word “Mississippi”. Arkansas is coached by Satan. The Pigs win.
Elessyu vs. Ole Mess: LSU is having an incredible year in which they might be able to beat the Indianapolis Colts. Ole Miss is just a mess. Nothing has gone right and they have fired everybody connected with the football team. At one time in our country's history, this was a big time game. Of course, that was when Eisenhower was President. LSU wins.
Perv State vs The One and Only Ohio State University: Has there been any two schools whose seasons have been this awful for non-football related reasons? How Penn State can win another game is beyond me. Ohio State wins.
Huskers of Corn vs. Meechigan: One of the few feel-good stories of this college football season, Michigan has rebounded from its recent cruddy seasons and has started playing some pretty good football. Now we are back to wondering what they have on their helmets. In any event, Nebraska is a better team. Nebraska wins.
Georgia Southern vs. Alabama: The big news last week is that Georgia Southern (“Every Hour is Happy Hour”) won The Southern Conference last week. Their reward is getting beat up by Alabama. It would be cool if the Eagles win this game. It would be even cooler if People magazine named me “The World’s Most Sexist Man Alive”. Neither one is going to happen. Bama wins.
This Week’s Picks!
Mighty Dogs vs. Kenyucky: Remember several weeks ago when “The Playboy Club” was still on the air and everyone thought the next time Mark Richt was introduced it would be as the Head Coach of The Fighting Kennesaw State Owls? Well, UGA has run off a string of wins which means Mark Richt has learned how to coach and all is well with my soul. The first name of the head coach of Kentucky is Joker. Really. A win for the Dogs means they win the SEC East and all that comes with it: get whomped by LSU. Dawgs win.
Brains vs. Brains: Tech and Duke fight it out for the prized “Nerd Trophy” Tech had a rough time last week against the Other Tech. I cannot remember when they had a hard time with Duke. Bees win.
Mess State vs. Pigs: Personal confession time. I know several people that either have gone to Mississippi State and/or send their children there. I even know “Mr. Cowbell”, who doesn’t go to MSU, but dresses up like a cowbell to go to football games. (Ladies, you’ll be interested in knowing that there is no “Mrs. Cowbell”.) Every person I know that has anything to do with Mississippi State is happy they went there, even if their diploma contains the word “Mississippi”. Arkansas is coached by Satan. The Pigs win.
Elessyu vs. Ole Mess: LSU is having an incredible year in which they might be able to beat the Indianapolis Colts. Ole Miss is just a mess. Nothing has gone right and they have fired everybody connected with the football team. At one time in our country's history, this was a big time game. Of course, that was when Eisenhower was President. LSU wins.
Perv State vs The One and Only Ohio State University: Has there been any two schools whose seasons have been this awful for non-football related reasons? How Penn State can win another game is beyond me. Ohio State wins.
Huskers of Corn vs. Meechigan: One of the few feel-good stories of this college football season, Michigan has rebounded from its recent cruddy seasons and has started playing some pretty good football. Now we are back to wondering what they have on their helmets. In any event, Nebraska is a better team. Nebraska wins.
Georgia Southern vs. Alabama: The big news last week is that Georgia Southern (“Every Hour is Happy Hour”) won The Southern Conference last week. Their reward is getting beat up by Alabama. It would be cool if the Eagles win this game. It would be even cooler if People magazine named me “The World’s Most Sexist Man Alive”. Neither one is going to happen. Bama wins.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Coming Back to You (Newt)
Maybe I'm still hurting
I can't turn the other cheek
But you know that I still love you
It's just that I can't speak
I looked for you in everyone
And they called me on that too
I lived alone but I was only
Coming back to you -Leonard Cohen
Back on March 29, 2011, Humor Me ran this piece entitled “Who Will Not Become President: Newt Gingrich”. Despite its brilliance I have won neither a Pulitzer nor Nobel Prize. If things keep going the way they have been, I may win the Dumb-Dumb of The Year Award, although Mike Smith (Head Coach of The Atlanta Falcons) and Rick Perry (Highly Functional Retard) are running neck and neck.
I made two valid points: 1) Nobody likes Newt Gingrich and 2) Everybody hates him. I was not expressing my opinion about Newt Gingrich. I’ve always found him interesting and very smart. I’ve found the vitriol expressed about him a little over the top. Of course, a lot of that is from the Offices of James Carville, who invented the Democrat party dog and pony show of claiming Republicans are vile creatures, worthy of only contempt while Democrats are only filled with sweetness and light.
One of the things good about Gingrich is that he doesn’t look like he is about to wet his pants because a reporter asks a hard question. Look back at Tim Pawlenty being asked about “Obamney Care” and then look at the typical question Gingrich is asked. Gingrich looks like he enjoys it. Most of the others, and I’m looking at you Rick Perry, look like they don’t.
I have written that I think Mitt Romney will be the nominee and he may become President. I still do. While it is not a “lock”, President Obama has a record and especially on the economy, it is not good. He’s sort of an odd duck President. We still don’t know that much about him except all of his supporters keep telling us he is a combination of Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy. He might be. It doesn’t look like it to me.
The knock of Romney is that he is a “flip-flopper” and has no “core” set of principles like Reagan. He’s robotic. He is “Mr. Perfect”. His hair is never out of place. He might appoint Donny Osmond as Secretary of State.
This means there is a market, right now, in Republican circles for somebody that is not Mitt. First it looked like Tim Pawlenty. He bailed and Michele Bachman rose to the top. Then she bottomed out and Rick Perry rose. Rick Perry fell for three reasons: 1) He’s a total Maroon; 2) He has no brain; and …..um, well. I forgot the third one. Oops. (One of the great ironies of this race is a bunch of campaign staff left Gingrich because he went on a vacation and went to work on the Perry campaign).
Perry’s meltdown led to Herman Cain’s rise in the polls. Cain is not only the first serious African-American Republican candidate; he is also the first candidate since Thomas Dewey with a mustache. People like Cain’s style and they like his “999” plan. Unfortunately, some women have come out of the woodwork and he doesn’t seem too sharp when it comes to foreign policy.
This brings us back to Newt. Newt is not a new face on the scene. Here’s the good news: there’s no new surprises about Newt Gingrich. The bad news: he has as about as much baggage as Samsonite. He’s been married three times. He supposedly gave his first wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital for cancer surgery. He was fooling around on his second wife with his third wife while he was trying to impeach President Bill Clinton.
Maybe Gingrich can rise above it. The most popular person in the Democratic Party is Bill Clinton who based his life on Letters to Penthouse. (“I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. There I was in the Oval Office alone with Ruth Bader Ginsberg...”) I wouldn’t count on it though. Gingrich is in the wrong party for sex not to matter.
I can't turn the other cheek
But you know that I still love you
It's just that I can't speak
I looked for you in everyone
And they called me on that too
I lived alone but I was only
Coming back to you -Leonard Cohen
Back on March 29, 2011, Humor Me ran this piece entitled “Who Will Not Become President: Newt Gingrich”. Despite its brilliance I have won neither a Pulitzer nor Nobel Prize. If things keep going the way they have been, I may win the Dumb-Dumb of The Year Award, although Mike Smith (Head Coach of The Atlanta Falcons) and Rick Perry (Highly Functional Retard) are running neck and neck.
I made two valid points: 1) Nobody likes Newt Gingrich and 2) Everybody hates him. I was not expressing my opinion about Newt Gingrich. I’ve always found him interesting and very smart. I’ve found the vitriol expressed about him a little over the top. Of course, a lot of that is from the Offices of James Carville, who invented the Democrat party dog and pony show of claiming Republicans are vile creatures, worthy of only contempt while Democrats are only filled with sweetness and light.
One of the things good about Gingrich is that he doesn’t look like he is about to wet his pants because a reporter asks a hard question. Look back at Tim Pawlenty being asked about “Obamney Care” and then look at the typical question Gingrich is asked. Gingrich looks like he enjoys it. Most of the others, and I’m looking at you Rick Perry, look like they don’t.
I have written that I think Mitt Romney will be the nominee and he may become President. I still do. While it is not a “lock”, President Obama has a record and especially on the economy, it is not good. He’s sort of an odd duck President. We still don’t know that much about him except all of his supporters keep telling us he is a combination of Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy. He might be. It doesn’t look like it to me.
The knock of Romney is that he is a “flip-flopper” and has no “core” set of principles like Reagan. He’s robotic. He is “Mr. Perfect”. His hair is never out of place. He might appoint Donny Osmond as Secretary of State.
This means there is a market, right now, in Republican circles for somebody that is not Mitt. First it looked like Tim Pawlenty. He bailed and Michele Bachman rose to the top. Then she bottomed out and Rick Perry rose. Rick Perry fell for three reasons: 1) He’s a total Maroon; 2) He has no brain; and …..um, well. I forgot the third one. Oops. (One of the great ironies of this race is a bunch of campaign staff left Gingrich because he went on a vacation and went to work on the Perry campaign).
Perry’s meltdown led to Herman Cain’s rise in the polls. Cain is not only the first serious African-American Republican candidate; he is also the first candidate since Thomas Dewey with a mustache. People like Cain’s style and they like his “999” plan. Unfortunately, some women have come out of the woodwork and he doesn’t seem too sharp when it comes to foreign policy.
This brings us back to Newt. Newt is not a new face on the scene. Here’s the good news: there’s no new surprises about Newt Gingrich. The bad news: he has as about as much baggage as Samsonite. He’s been married three times. He supposedly gave his first wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital for cancer surgery. He was fooling around on his second wife with his third wife while he was trying to impeach President Bill Clinton.
Maybe Gingrich can rise above it. The most popular person in the Democratic Party is Bill Clinton who based his life on Letters to Penthouse. (“I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. There I was in the Oval Office alone with Ruth Bader Ginsberg...”) I wouldn’t count on it though. Gingrich is in the wrong party for sex not to matter.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Joe Had To Go
To paraphrase Rick Perry, if you could read about the sexual abuse claims against former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky and not want to vomit, you have no soul. If you could read about Joe Paterno’s limp response and believe he should have been able to dictate when he left Penn State, you have no brain.
Coach Paterno’s lackadaisical action during the past nine years shows a person that apparently cared about one thing: wins and losses on the football field. The fact that children were being raped at his facility seems not to have concerned him in the least.
Victim Two was 10 years in 2002. My son was 11 years old that year. This child was raped in a Penn State locker room shower by Jerry Sandusky. While this was occurring, a graduate assistant coach stumbled upon the crime and he did what any human being would do: beat the fecal matter out of this low life and then called the police.
This would have happened if it was not in a world controlled by an egomaniacal college coaching legend. Instead, this graduate assistant coach, (who nine years later is the Penn State recruiting coordinator) immediately left the premises and called his dad. After that, this young man called Coach Paterno. At that moment, this icon of college sports sprung into action and called…..the athletic director, which at Penn State is like General McArthur calling Beetle Bailey.
I’m going to make this easy, so that even a football player can understand it. If you walk into the showers of a locker room and you see a grown man raping a child, you are to call the police first-not your dad. I’m even going to make this so easy, even a football coach can understand it. If anyone approaches you and tells you that they just saw a man raping a young boy, you are suppose to call the police-not your boss.
You would think Coach Paterno would have been horrified by what happened in 2002. It took him a while, about nine years. In the written statement announcing his retirement he said, “I am absolutely devastated by the developments in this case. I grieve for the children and their families, and I pray for their comfort and relief”. It would have been nice to grieve for the children and their families in 2002. It would have been nice to pray for their comfort and relief in 2002. But hey, when Michigan is on the schedule you got to take what you can get, kid.
You would think the NCAA would have something to say about all of this. I’m sure someone will point out there’s not a lot they can do about it. That’s probably correct. After all, it was only children being raped-not something serious like a player getting a free tattoo. If that happened, The NCAA would be all over it like a duck on a June bug.
Penn State University hasn’t responded better. The administration knew this former defensive coordinator was a sexual deviate and was dangerous to be around children. Yet, for years, they allowed this creature access to its facilities to be around children. Their response: they were going to appoint a committee to “investigate”.
Finally, The Board of Trustees stepped in and fired Paterno and the President of The University. Some students of Penn State, showing all of the cognitive thought processes that college students are supposed to have, started to riot. It wasn’t fair to Joe, after all he’s done for the university.
True, Paterno did a lot for Penn State University. He just didn’t do anything for Victim Two.
Coach Paterno’s lackadaisical action during the past nine years shows a person that apparently cared about one thing: wins and losses on the football field. The fact that children were being raped at his facility seems not to have concerned him in the least.
Victim Two was 10 years in 2002. My son was 11 years old that year. This child was raped in a Penn State locker room shower by Jerry Sandusky. While this was occurring, a graduate assistant coach stumbled upon the crime and he did what any human being would do: beat the fecal matter out of this low life and then called the police.
This would have happened if it was not in a world controlled by an egomaniacal college coaching legend. Instead, this graduate assistant coach, (who nine years later is the Penn State recruiting coordinator) immediately left the premises and called his dad. After that, this young man called Coach Paterno. At that moment, this icon of college sports sprung into action and called…..the athletic director, which at Penn State is like General McArthur calling Beetle Bailey.
I’m going to make this easy, so that even a football player can understand it. If you walk into the showers of a locker room and you see a grown man raping a child, you are to call the police first-not your dad. I’m even going to make this so easy, even a football coach can understand it. If anyone approaches you and tells you that they just saw a man raping a young boy, you are suppose to call the police-not your boss.
You would think Coach Paterno would have been horrified by what happened in 2002. It took him a while, about nine years. In the written statement announcing his retirement he said, “I am absolutely devastated by the developments in this case. I grieve for the children and their families, and I pray for their comfort and relief”. It would have been nice to grieve for the children and their families in 2002. It would have been nice to pray for their comfort and relief in 2002. But hey, when Michigan is on the schedule you got to take what you can get, kid.
You would think the NCAA would have something to say about all of this. I’m sure someone will point out there’s not a lot they can do about it. That’s probably correct. After all, it was only children being raped-not something serious like a player getting a free tattoo. If that happened, The NCAA would be all over it like a duck on a June bug.
Penn State University hasn’t responded better. The administration knew this former defensive coordinator was a sexual deviate and was dangerous to be around children. Yet, for years, they allowed this creature access to its facilities to be around children. Their response: they were going to appoint a committee to “investigate”.
Finally, The Board of Trustees stepped in and fired Paterno and the President of The University. Some students of Penn State, showing all of the cognitive thought processes that college students are supposed to have, started to riot. It wasn’t fair to Joe, after all he’s done for the university.
True, Paterno did a lot for Penn State University. He just didn’t do anything for Victim Two.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
This Week's Picks
It was an exciting game between two teams with identical records. In the end, three points separated the winner from the loser. Of course, I am talking about the Ursinus Cavities-Muhlenberg game. The Mules (really, that’s their name) defeated the Cavities 27-24 in front of a crowd of several, including two Aunt Barbs and an Uncle Bob. In The Muhl Blog (actual name of the blog) it describes the last second heroics of Andrew Onimus, an Accounting major who blocked the possible game tying field goal with 2.7 seconds left in the game. Mr. Onimus said blocking the kick was “so amazing”. Make sure you click there on The Muhl Blog to watch the game saving block.
There was another game last Saturday between two teams with identical records in Tuscaloosa that some analysts say was as exciting as watching paint dry while others claim it was as exciting as unloading the dishwasher. In these highly partisan times, I think both sides are right. However, it is always pleasant to see Nick Saban being outwitted by Forrest Gump’s stunt double.
This Week’s Picks
Dawgs vs. War Tigers: The Georgia-Auburn rivalry is the oldest college football rivalry in the South. You know what that means: lots of yelling and cussing. UGA needs to win this game so they can go to the SEC Championship and be destroyed by LSU. UGA is regaining the services of freshman running back Isaiah Crowell, who was suspended due to Wacky Weed use for one whole game. Fortunately, Coach Softee is an expert at picking up the spirits of criminals who might have felt a minute of discomfort. Auburn is playing much better than expected considering they lost not only Cam Newton but also a tree from last year. Georgia needs to win this one, but they don’t play well against good teams. Auburn wins.
Bee Tech vs. Turkey Tech: After we got off-no make that- jumped off the Georgia Tech bandwagon after two pedestrian performances against Virginia and Miami, The Bees opened a can of Whoop-up on Clemson. I had penciled the Clemson and the Virginia Tech games as losses for Coach Happy’s team at the beginning of the season. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m tempted to just say “Tech wins” and leave it at that. But, we don’t do things like that at Picks Central. Georgia Tech wins.
Ducks vs. Trees: Oregon despite their dreadful color scheme is a very good team. Sanford is led by this year’s Heisman Trophy apparent winner before the votes are counted, Andrew Luck. Luck is one of those student-athletes that makes good grades in a difficult major and appears to be a nice guy. Of course, that doesn’t prevent us from mentioning he looks like the love child of Jethro Bodine and Miss Jane Hathaway. I think Oregon is the better team. Oregon wins.
Georgia Southern vs. Wofford: Georgia Southern who is the only school in the country that has a Jim Morrison lyric in the Alma Mater (“I woke up this morning and got myself a beer”) has been in a little slump. The Eagles lost to Ap State and barely beat The Citadel. However, Wofford’s nickname is “The Terriers”. (Not “The Rabid Terriers” or “The Fighting Terriers” or “The Barking and Won’t Shut Up Terriers"-just “The Terriers”) The Eagles roll up a newspaper to whack these puppies on the snout to win The Southern Conference. Georgia Southern wins.
Birmingham-Southern vs. Millsaps: Last week, Birmingham-Southern (school motto: “There Are Other Schools Besides Alabama and Auburn”) defeated Rhodes College 54-0. They’ll finish the season against the Millsaps Majors. This has been a good season for the Panthers. They should defeat Millsaps. Birmingham-Southern wins.
There was another game last Saturday between two teams with identical records in Tuscaloosa that some analysts say was as exciting as watching paint dry while others claim it was as exciting as unloading the dishwasher. In these highly partisan times, I think both sides are right. However, it is always pleasant to see Nick Saban being outwitted by Forrest Gump’s stunt double.
This Week’s Picks
Dawgs vs. War Tigers: The Georgia-Auburn rivalry is the oldest college football rivalry in the South. You know what that means: lots of yelling and cussing. UGA needs to win this game so they can go to the SEC Championship and be destroyed by LSU. UGA is regaining the services of freshman running back Isaiah Crowell, who was suspended due to Wacky Weed use for one whole game. Fortunately, Coach Softee is an expert at picking up the spirits of criminals who might have felt a minute of discomfort. Auburn is playing much better than expected considering they lost not only Cam Newton but also a tree from last year. Georgia needs to win this one, but they don’t play well against good teams. Auburn wins.
Bee Tech vs. Turkey Tech: After we got off-no make that- jumped off the Georgia Tech bandwagon after two pedestrian performances against Virginia and Miami, The Bees opened a can of Whoop-up on Clemson. I had penciled the Clemson and the Virginia Tech games as losses for Coach Happy’s team at the beginning of the season. Now, I’m not so sure. I’m tempted to just say “Tech wins” and leave it at that. But, we don’t do things like that at Picks Central. Georgia Tech wins.
Ducks vs. Trees: Oregon despite their dreadful color scheme is a very good team. Sanford is led by this year’s Heisman Trophy apparent winner before the votes are counted, Andrew Luck. Luck is one of those student-athletes that makes good grades in a difficult major and appears to be a nice guy. Of course, that doesn’t prevent us from mentioning he looks like the love child of Jethro Bodine and Miss Jane Hathaway. I think Oregon is the better team. Oregon wins.
Georgia Southern vs. Wofford: Georgia Southern who is the only school in the country that has a Jim Morrison lyric in the Alma Mater (“I woke up this morning and got myself a beer”) has been in a little slump. The Eagles lost to Ap State and barely beat The Citadel. However, Wofford’s nickname is “The Terriers”. (Not “The Rabid Terriers” or “The Fighting Terriers” or “The Barking and Won’t Shut Up Terriers"-just “The Terriers”) The Eagles roll up a newspaper to whack these puppies on the snout to win The Southern Conference. Georgia Southern wins.
Birmingham-Southern vs. Millsaps: Last week, Birmingham-Southern (school motto: “There Are Other Schools Besides Alabama and Auburn”) defeated Rhodes College 54-0. They’ll finish the season against the Millsaps Majors. This has been a good season for the Panthers. They should defeat Millsaps. Birmingham-Southern wins.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
This Week's Picks
This is the game we have been waiting for. The most talked about game of the season. A game that should live forever in annals of college football history.
I’m referring to Ursinus vs. Muhlenberg College.
When these two teams get together, it is the talk of every Perkins in Eastern Pennsylvania. The Ursinus Cavities bring a 5-3 record into Scotty Wood Stadium, named after the famous Muhlenberg alumnus, Scotty Wood Stadium, to face “The Mules” ( I am not making this up). The Mules also have a 5-3 record.
I’m going out on a limb here and picking The Mules in this game. They have a stubborn defensive.
This week’s picks!
Dawgs vs. Other Aggies: I guess it is too much to wish that UGA could make it through a year without having a scholar-athlete suspended for various crimes and misdemeanors. Isaiah Crowell, the latest in a long line of New Herschel Walkers, has been suspended from this one game by Coach Hardnose, Mark Richt, for testing positive for Wacky Tobacky. New Mexico State is 3-5, so this should be an easy win for Georgia even without Crowell. Georgia wins.
Pigs vs. Chickens: Steve Spurrier and Bobby Paterino are two the most reviled coaches in the SEC, mainly because they are amoral egotistical jerks (and those are their good qualities). It is hard to imagine how South Carolina can win without Marcus Lattimore. Therefore I'm going to do write something I promised myself I would never write: Arkansas wins.
Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel: Last week, Georgia Southern (whose slogan is “There are bars everywhere down here!”) flew into Boone, North Carolina and proceeded to lay an egg against Ap State. Although they wear the ring at The Citadel (obscure Pat Conroy reference alert), they should be no match for Georgia Southern. Georgia Southern wins.
Birmingham-Southern vs. Rhodes: The Panthers are in the midst of a two game losing streak. Supposedly, the coaches have told The Panthers this week to "Hit the Rhodes, Jack" (Sorry). Birmingham-Southern wins.
AND NOW…..THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME EVER!
Ellessyew vs. Bama: The supposed best two teams in college football, although there is really no way of knowing this, clash in T-town in what should be a game of epic proportions. LSU is number one and Alabama is number two. They are equal in most aspects. They both have great defenses. They both have rabid mentally insane fans, some of whom ACTUALLY WENT TO THE SCHOOL. Alabama has the superior running game and a coach that is probably a genius. On the other hand, LSU’s coach, Les Miles, is a highly functioning retard. Alabama is a little young at quarterback and hasn’t had the opportunity to commit a felony like the starting LSU quarterback. LSU wins, but it will be close.
I’m referring to Ursinus vs. Muhlenberg College.
When these two teams get together, it is the talk of every Perkins in Eastern Pennsylvania. The Ursinus Cavities bring a 5-3 record into Scotty Wood Stadium, named after the famous Muhlenberg alumnus, Scotty Wood Stadium, to face “The Mules” ( I am not making this up). The Mules also have a 5-3 record.
I’m going out on a limb here and picking The Mules in this game. They have a stubborn defensive.
This week’s picks!
Dawgs vs. Other Aggies: I guess it is too much to wish that UGA could make it through a year without having a scholar-athlete suspended for various crimes and misdemeanors. Isaiah Crowell, the latest in a long line of New Herschel Walkers, has been suspended from this one game by Coach Hardnose, Mark Richt, for testing positive for Wacky Tobacky. New Mexico State is 3-5, so this should be an easy win for Georgia even without Crowell. Georgia wins.
Pigs vs. Chickens: Steve Spurrier and Bobby Paterino are two the most reviled coaches in the SEC, mainly because they are amoral egotistical jerks (and those are their good qualities). It is hard to imagine how South Carolina can win without Marcus Lattimore. Therefore I'm going to do write something I promised myself I would never write: Arkansas wins.
Georgia Southern vs. The Citadel: Last week, Georgia Southern (whose slogan is “There are bars everywhere down here!”) flew into Boone, North Carolina and proceeded to lay an egg against Ap State. Although they wear the ring at The Citadel (obscure Pat Conroy reference alert), they should be no match for Georgia Southern. Georgia Southern wins.
Birmingham-Southern vs. Rhodes: The Panthers are in the midst of a two game losing streak. Supposedly, the coaches have told The Panthers this week to "Hit the Rhodes, Jack" (Sorry). Birmingham-Southern wins.
AND NOW…..THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME EVER!
Ellessyew vs. Bama: The supposed best two teams in college football, although there is really no way of knowing this, clash in T-town in what should be a game of epic proportions. LSU is number one and Alabama is number two. They are equal in most aspects. They both have great defenses. They both have rabid mentally insane fans, some of whom ACTUALLY WENT TO THE SCHOOL. Alabama has the superior running game and a coach that is probably a genius. On the other hand, LSU’s coach, Les Miles, is a highly functioning retard. Alabama is a little young at quarterback and hasn’t had the opportunity to commit a felony like the starting LSU quarterback. LSU wins, but it will be close.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Rocked Like A Herman Cain
Stop me if you have heard this before: a powerful man makes either crude remarks, unwanted sexual advances, or does something totally inappropriate in front of a woman that is his subordinate. We do not need graphic interpretations. Men know what is crude. Men know what a sexual advance is and if it is wanted. Men know what is inappropriate. What men do not know (and I speak from experience unlike Chaz Bono, I’ve been a dude all of my life) what “physical gestures that were not overtly sexual but that made women who experienced or witnessed them uncomfortable” means.
If we are going to banish Herman Cain to the Land of The Caught Perverts, we ought to know what he did that was so offensive.
This is not at all surprising. We are in a media age in which people scream daily that we should to talk about the “issues” but we rarely do because we are sitting around trying to define non overt sexual gestures that still made two woman uncomfortable.
Also, and this is just a pet peeve of mine that may not be true. With Democrats, the media holds and delays publishing stories until you have a video tape, Twitter pictures, or DNA. With Republicans, hold the presses because any old story will do.
Some of this is Herman Cain’s fault. He knew Politico was going to publish the story ten days before it appeared. That is plenty of time to get your stuff in the same sock, as we say down here. Maybe if his campaign manager would focus on the campaign instead of trying to make cool commercials, Cain could have gotten out in front of the story and it would have been old news by now.
One thing about Cain, he is the only candidate that has any real buzz at this time of the process. Mitt Romney? Sometimes it seems like the Romney campaign has various slogans: Mitt Romney. I Guess. Mitt Romney-Might As Well. Where Cain came up with the nifty (if probably flawed idea) “9-9-9”, Romney has a 400 point economic plan. (This is another thing that frosts me: can anyone simply explain President Megamind’s jobs plan? You can’t because it is a bunch of Liberal Arts/Union balderdash)
Rick Perry recently came out with an economic agenda that he promised to “bump plans” with Cain, whatever that meant. Actually, a lot of things with Rick Perry make you scratch your head. He’s got a ton of money and he's written about a lot, but he hasn’t made a good impression with voters. That is because he is a baboon. Maybe with his flat tax plan, Perry can get back on track and try to make a better impression. I doubt it. He was supposed to be this second coming of Reagan, unlike like the last Texas governor that ran for President. He seems like the least likable guy in the Alpha Betas fraternity.
I’m not a big Herman Cain supporter. This latest episode is just another reason in a long list of why people do not run for President. Lord knows, there might be an incident fifteen years ago when you did a gesture that was not sexual but still made a couple of people uncomfortable. Why would anyone want to put up with that?
If we are going to banish Herman Cain to the Land of The Caught Perverts, we ought to know what he did that was so offensive.
This is not at all surprising. We are in a media age in which people scream daily that we should to talk about the “issues” but we rarely do because we are sitting around trying to define non overt sexual gestures that still made two woman uncomfortable.
Also, and this is just a pet peeve of mine that may not be true. With Democrats, the media holds and delays publishing stories until you have a video tape, Twitter pictures, or DNA. With Republicans, hold the presses because any old story will do.
Some of this is Herman Cain’s fault. He knew Politico was going to publish the story ten days before it appeared. That is plenty of time to get your stuff in the same sock, as we say down here. Maybe if his campaign manager would focus on the campaign instead of trying to make cool commercials, Cain could have gotten out in front of the story and it would have been old news by now.
One thing about Cain, he is the only candidate that has any real buzz at this time of the process. Mitt Romney? Sometimes it seems like the Romney campaign has various slogans: Mitt Romney. I Guess. Mitt Romney-Might As Well. Where Cain came up with the nifty (if probably flawed idea) “9-9-9”, Romney has a 400 point economic plan. (This is another thing that frosts me: can anyone simply explain President Megamind’s jobs plan? You can’t because it is a bunch of Liberal Arts/Union balderdash)
Rick Perry recently came out with an economic agenda that he promised to “bump plans” with Cain, whatever that meant. Actually, a lot of things with Rick Perry make you scratch your head. He’s got a ton of money and he's written about a lot, but he hasn’t made a good impression with voters. That is because he is a baboon. Maybe with his flat tax plan, Perry can get back on track and try to make a better impression. I doubt it. He was supposed to be this second coming of Reagan, unlike like the last Texas governor that ran for President. He seems like the least likable guy in the Alpha Betas fraternity.
I’m not a big Herman Cain supporter. This latest episode is just another reason in a long list of why people do not run for President. Lord knows, there might be an incident fifteen years ago when you did a gesture that was not sexual but still made a couple of people uncomfortable. Why would anyone want to put up with that?
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