I Was Wrong

 

 

I'm going to say something unusual.  

I was wrong.
 
A long, long time ago, I came out in favor of paying college athletes, particularly college football players.  The NCAA used to come down hard on football players for some of the most insane reasons. If a player got a T-shirt, a tattoo, or whatever, the player would be suspended.

One school would rat on another school. Schools would be placed on probation. Bowl wins were vacated.

It was just a mess.
 
My reasoning for favoring paying players was they are employees of the school, whether or not the school admits it. The football teams are a part of the marketing department of the school. It is unfair for the school to rake in money from the football team and yet punish the player for accepting money to buy a pizza (buying a pizza was a big deal in 2010-11).

The NCAA has instituted a Name-Image-Likeness (NIL) rule so the players can benefit from things like EA Sports College Football video games. Which seems fair to me. If there was a video game of old, fat, retired hospital revenue cycle analysts, I definitely would want to get a piece of the action. (This would be the worst selling video game ever.)
 
It has caused the really good players to become incredibly wealthy even before becoming a pro. Carson Beck, a fairly good college quarterback, bought a Lamborghini with his NIL money.  I have only seen one Lamborghini in the wild. It was owned by my dentist.

Nico Iamaleava (do not ask me to pronounce his last name) was an excellent quarterback last season for the University of Tennessee. He decided this spring to test the "open market" to see if he could make more money at another school. You can imagine how this has gone over in Knoxville.

 At press time, it looks like Iamaleava will be going to UCLA.  All I can say is good luck, UCLA.

I'm not one of these guys with misty water-colored memories of college football.  You know: the pom-poms, the tailgating, and the singing the old Alma Mater.

First of all, nobody in the 21st Century gives a rat's rear about pom-poms. Tailgating is a fancy word for a picnic and if you heard one Alma Mater, you've heard all of them. (The only lyrics I know from my Alma Mater, Kennesaw State University, is: "Pine Tree covered hills".)

At least in the South, a majority of the football season is played in September and October and it is still hot. Once, and this is the truth, I came home from a football game played in mid-October with a sunburn.

It may surprise you to learn there is a lot of drinking at football games, primarily when the fans are tailgating. This means the fans are well-lubricated by the time they enter the stadium.  Which leads to fighting and vomiting, but not necessarily in that order. 

Going to a college football game is an all day, if not all month, commitment.  And if your team beats the University of Alabama, there is a law that says you must take your goalpost down and throw it in the nearest river.

I am a total free-market guy.  If Iamaleava can find someone dumb enough to pay him a truckload of money, more power to him. He can buy a pizza or a Lamborghini with it, I don't care.

Still, there is something wack about a non-professional making professional type of money.  

I had friends tell me that the NIL was going to destroy college football. I thought they were just being Luddite reactionaries. Now, I think they were right.

I didn't it like the ticky-tacky College Football rules. But this new system is not what I had in mind.

"1923" Like It or Lump It

 

Just like everybody, I've been watching the various shows created by Taylor Sheridan.

His shows are "Yellowstone", "1883", "The Mayor of Kingstown", "Tulsa King", "Lioness", "1923", and "The CBS Evening News With Taylor Sheridan".

His shows are taut dramas with a lot of action, including punching, kicking, biting, shooting, and stabbing.

His shows also feature the most creative use of the F-word ever since Tony Soprano stopped believing in the New Jersey diner.

Everybody curses in a Taylor Sheridan show. Mom, grandmothers, priests, policemen, Girl Scout troop leaders. Everybody.

Mom:  "Did you do your F-wording homework you little mother F-word?"

Kid:  "F-word yes. Get off my F-wording back! F-word. Do we f-wording have  any F-wording Oeros?"

Dog: "Bow F-ing wow!"

"1923" is the sequel to "1883" and a prequel to "Yellowstone". Or as they describe it: "A Yellowstone origin story". It follows the grand and glorious Duttons and their cattle ranch in Montana and the people they have to punch and shoot to keep it because everybody wants their land and their land is important because it is their land.

When we last left Montana, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill found their land in Montana because they liked it, they loved it, and they wanted some more of it.  

Their show, "1883", was a good old-fashioned trip to the West, kind of like the old show "Wagon Train" except it had a lot more F-words.

Tim and Faith were the leaders of this wagon train which included their sons and one hot-to-trot daughter. [SPOILER ALERT] The hot-to-trot daughter becomes the Yellowstone narrator after she is killed by "the people that were here first" despite the fact she sounds like an Ole Miss co-ed who just read a Sylvia Path book.

In "1923", Tim and Faith are long gone, and taking their place are Han Solo and one of the old ladies from "Calendar Girls".

Han and the old lady raise the remaining Dutton boys as their own. One of them, Spencer, goes over there to France during World War I and somehow becomes a big game hunter in Africa afterward because some of the tigers have become man-eaters. How this happened, nobody really knows.

Back in Montana, Han is dealing with some Scottish shepherds who have the gall to want to feed their sheep.  One of the shepherds has a real hard Scottish accent which is difficult to understand, but don't worry, the word he says most often rhymes with "buck".

On top of that, a shady, rich, British tycoon named James Bond has turned up in town and he wants to, if you can believe it, make money on something other than cattle.   He gets the big idea that people will come to Montana to ski.

James Bond is also a freak if you catch my drift. This makes him double bad and means the Duttons will need to kill him. [SPOILER ALERT] James Bond finds what on "Yellowstone" is called "the train station". It is the place you dump bodies who you happen to kill because they needed killing. It is in a part of Wyoming which is not incorporated into a county and therefore you can do what you want. This has been determined as legal by the Supreme Court in the famous Dead Former Yellowstone Employees vs Dutton case.

The old lady has written a truckload of letters to Spencer in Africa begging him to come home and fight for Yellowstone because the Scottish Shepherd had ambushed Han Solo and he was hit.

In the midst of all of this, is a side story featuring an Indigenous Girl who is abused by everybody in the Catholic church. She does the only thing she can do (kills everybody) and goes out on the run. This really doesn't have anything to do with the Duttons except the Indigenous Girl may be the grandmother of the Indigenous Man John Dutton dealt with.

While Spencer is in Africa, he meets one of the semi-royal snots of England who has a really hot body and a ten-cent brain. She is engaged to another royal snot but she is so infatuated with Spencer and his conversational skills (various grunts), she runs off with Spencer.

She finds the letters from Montana and soon her and Spencer are heading back to Montana from Africa which in 1923 took forty years. 

Season Two of "1923" is Spencer trying to get home, the Indigenous girl on the run, Han Solo trying to get better, various minor characters getting shot, a 1923 brain operation without anesthesia, a wolf in the house, and lots of snow.

Plot:  "1923" has a pretty good plot especially if you have watched "Yellowstone".

Acting:  Okay. Han Solo did a pretty good job although I expected him to ask for Chewie.  The Old Lady went out to the front yard a lot and screamed. James Bond was very slimy. The Sheriff of the county was the Terminator, so that ought to count for something.  The guy who was Spencer was good at mumbling. The Hot English girl was okay, but very dumb. 

Violence:  A lot. If there is one thing Taylor Sheridan can do is stage a shoot-out.

Nudity:  A lot of bosoms for a TV show on a "network". 

Sex:  Some outdoor love making. Some mommy and daddy time. Some "Fifty Shades Of Grey" Montana style.

Verdict:  Despite all of the violence, sex, bosoms, and cursing, "1923" was pretty good show. I thought it was better than "1883" and much better than the last two seasons of "Yellowstone".  Liked it. 

 

 

 

Old Enough

 

Over the past few years, there have been a few things on Facebook that annoy me.

I mean, besides all of the political arguments people get into.

New Flash!  People can have different opinions than yours!  Who would have thunk it?

Over the past three presidential election cycles, it has been proven that we are a 50/50 country.  50 percent of the country thinks Trump is Hitler with a better-looking wife and 50 percent thinks Trump was sent directly from the Lord himself.

People now express themselves through memes. The memes have a snotty tone and are often not safe for the office, car, church, loading dock, prison, or ball field due to what we used to call "dirty words".

But I'm not here to discuss memes and the breakdown of American culture which is the fault of Trump, Biden, elitists, FOX News, MSNBC, Hollywood, popular music, and talk radio. 

No, I'm annoyed at people of my generation, the older folks among us, who want to bond with our past.

For example, there is a meme that has made the rounds on Facebook showing two car keys.  One is a rectangle and one is oval. The meme says, "Who is old enough to remember when you needed 2 keys for 1 car?"

I guess I was supposed to lean back in my chair and think "I remember that" and suddenly be transported back in time to when I was tooling around Marietta, Georgia in my car listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" on the radio. (Wait a second, that was yesterday.)

The whole point is to remember how things were way back when and share them with young people.

You:  Yeah, we used to have two car keys for one car.
Young Person:  Sir, this is a Wendy's

I belong to several Facebook groups about growing up in Cobb County. The most common post is: "Hey, who remembers Gary McKee?" This happens about every other month.

Gary McKee was the popular morning DJ at WQXI-FM. The last time he was on WQXI-FM, Bush was president. The first one.

I liked Gary McKee. He was a great way to wake-up in the morning. He had Willis The Guard, Yetta Levitt, and The Birthday Monster.  The Birthday Monster would sing "Happy Birthday" in a monster voice. Or maybe it was Yetta. It was a long time time ago. You had to be there.

One of the Cobb County groups will have some of the most inane topics and threads.  Here's a couple with the Topic highlight followed by the responses.

 

"Hey, who remembers that Stop sign on Sewell Mill Road?"

 

"I do."

 

"I must have missed that one."

 

"Must be nice to have a road."

 

"Good times."

 

 "Hey, did anybody ever use a spoon?"

 

 "I did."

"We didn't have spoons growing up. We used to eat chili with our fingers."

"I used to go out with this girl that went to Wheeler who thought she was all that because her family brought down spoons from Iowa or wherever she was from.  I found out the hard way she used to stuff her bra with toilet paper.  I loved her so much"

"Good times." 

 

 

"Hey, who remembers this guy?  (A picture of either Captain Kangaroo, Richard Nixon, or Leonard Nimoy)" 

"I remember him. I think."

 

"He was in my homeroom at Wheeler."

 

"My dad used to work for him and had to break-in the Watergate complex with a bunch of Cubans  for him. His supervisor was named Mr. Greenjeans"

 

"Good times." 

 

My favorite post of all time said, "Who remembers the Martine Drive-In that was next door to Town and Country Shopping Center and across the street from Duncan's donuts? Me and my boyfriend used to do some freaky-deaky thangs in his Cutlass 442. Good times".

 

 

I don't remember the Martine Drive-In.  I remember the Martin Drive-In.  It has swing sets and the Manis family would pile into the 1962 Plymouth Valiant and watch the latest the pagans in Hollywood had to offer.  I remember we saw "The Sound Of Music" there which is just the type of movie you want to take a bunch of feral boys from East Cobb to see. 

Looking at this post, I was thinking "Duncan's Donuts"?  You mean "Dunkin Donuts"?  I could just imagine this poor person going through life thinking this great American franchise was called "Duncan's Donuts".  (But it would be a good name for rock band.)

I was going to make my typical Facebook wisenheimer remark when I noticed the person who posted the thread was a tad bit older than me and maybe I should cut the person some slack because that's what people who are old enough to know better do.

 

So I didn't comment. But, come on, "Duncan's Donuts"?  I deserve a medal.  

 

Meditations In An Emergency Five Years Later

 

My wife went in for a check-up.  The medical staff found her heart was in Atrial Fibrillation. They took her to the emergency room at the local hospital.

I went to the emergency room on December 31, 2019, at 9:30 a.m.

The emergency room was packed. People were lying on beds in the hall. I asked a nurse what was going on.  The nurse said, "It's the flu".

Later in January, my wife and I went to New York City. Every person we saw who appeared to be from the Far East was wearing a face mask.  We wondered why. 

About six weeks later, we found out.

I don't remember the exact day, but we drove by our local Publix and the parking lot was full. Everybody was buying toilet paper.

The Covid-19 crisis was in full bloom. The NBA canceled the remainder of its season. Major League Baseball postponed the start of its season. 

Tom Hanks got it. We thought we were going to lose Tom Hanks.

They (the government) requested everybody give it two weeks to "flatten the curve". Here, they said, watch this show about an amoral zoo keeper in Oklahoma. 

They (the media) told us that the Covid virus originated in a Wet Market which sold bats and pangolins instead of a lab that just happened to study viruses.  To claim otherwise was to be a sinner. One of the knuckle-dragging mouth breathers who have soiled our good nation for too long.

Last week, The New York Times published a column titled: “We Were Badly Misled About the Event That Changed Our Lives.” Just like Tonto said to the Lone Ranger-"What do you mean 'We' kemo sabe?"

The column should have been titled, "You Were Badly Misled About The Event That Changed Our Lives By Us".

It turns out all the really smart people, for whatever reason, decided like Colonel Nathan Jessup that we couldn't handle the truth and put forth the goofy Wet Market story. Then accuse anyone who wouldn't tow the supposed scientific line to be a twenty-first-century Bull Conner. 

The crisis elevated Saint Dr. Anthony Fauci to be the nation's PCP.  He came up with the Mask mandate. Which turns out didn't work. And social distancing. Which turns out didn't work either.

Fauci has admitted there was no science (besides him being Science incarnate) behind the Mask mandate or social distancing. Scientifically speaking, he pulled the Mask mandate and social distancing out of his butt. 

Another problem was the rules that were created for us in steerage to follow.

A lot of the rules in Covid-19 were my favorite legal phrase: arbitrary and capricious.  The government decided which businesses were "essential". Small business was not. Wal-Mart was. Funny how that works.

I was able to obtain my vaccine earlier than most because I worked for a health system even though I'm not a clinician of any sort and I never saw any patients because I worked out of my home.  Grocery store workers, who literally were on the "frontline" of Covid became eligible for the vaccine in the second stage of the rollout.

Michael Brendan Doughtery said, "It’s fearful to consider how much of our law and Constitution just seemed to evaporate and how swiftly and completely it was replaced with the Absolute Sovereignty of Liberal Professional Class Conventional Thinking, however brain-dead or self-serving. The Sovereignty of Liberal Professional Class Conventional Thinking is why kids wore masks for a year after a vaccine was available to adults. And why schools had bizarre barriers on desks, and why it suddenly became okay to congregate outside so long as it was a Black Lives Matter riot and not something else protected by the First Amendment, like a Jewish funeral in Brooklyn."

In case I'm ever in front of a Senate subcommittee, I think Trump lost the 2020 election, but the day Biden was declared the winner, a group of celebrants were outside of the White House, unmasked, and drinking champagne from the same bottle without even wiping off the top. Nobody said a word to them because the virus wanted Trump to lose.

For all his Trumpness, he did fast track the vaccine so the national could go back to normal. There were those who said we couldn't trust the vaccine Trump rushed through because, hey, you can't rush these things. You might take the vaccine and grow three heads.

Until Joe Biden became President and then you had to take the vaccine or lose your job.

I took the vaccine. I had no problem with it. I thought (and think) everybody should take the vaccine. 

But, President Biden had COVID-19 three times in two years after taking the vaccine and the boosters

I worked with an individual who went deaf in one ear after taking the vaccine. Things like that happened.

Some people were very, very against the vaccine.

In strolled in our entertainment class to scold Americans they disagreed with. 

We had a late night talk show host say  "Vaccinated person having a heart attack? Yes, come right in. We'll take care of you. Unvaccinated guy who gobbled horse goo? Rest in peace, wheezy."

The "horse goo" was Ivermectin, which is an actual drug. NIH said in October of 2020 paper, "There were no severe adverse drug events recorded in the study. A 5-day course of ivermectin was found to be safe and effective in treating adult patients with mild COVID-19." 

Howard Stern who has transformed from a "shock jock" to our national nag said, "We have no time for idiots in this country anymore. We don’t want you,” Stern said. “We want you to all either go to the hospital, stay home, die there with your COVID, don’t take the cure but don’t clog up our hospitals with your COVID when you finally get it. Stay home, don’t bother with science, it’s too late. We want you to go away. We want you to leave the country. Go somewhere where they have ultimate freedom, wherever that is, some bizarro world where you don’t have to take the vaccine. I don’t know when nonsense became such a thing."

The man who created "Fartman" wonders when nonsense became such a thing.

I'm glad COVID-19 is in the rear-view mirror.  Did our betters, our smarty parts, our cultural influencers handle it well?

No. 

Mini Movie Review: "Conclave"

 

 

The Oscars were last week and once again, the winner for Best Picture was a movie I hadn't heard of, but don't worry, reports are bosoms make an appearance so you know it was art.

I have seen "A Complete Unknown" which was about the voice of a generation Bob Dylan.  I know a little about Bob Dylan because I have a lot of Bob Dylan records and have read many books about Bob Dylan.

I didn't learn anything new about Bob Dylan. He and Johnny Cash were big friends and Johnny would pop up every now and then in the movie to tell Bob not to wipe his feet and to sing through your nose and don't comb your hair. 

My wife and I have seen another movie that was nominated for Best Picture: "Conclave".

In years past, a long, boring, plodding movie was just the ticket to win all of the awards.  "Conclave" was not a long, boring, plodding movie. It was just boring and plodding. It clocks at about two hours long, which isn't that bad for a boring, plodding movie.

"Conclave" was about the new Captain America, who now has wings for some reason and the Hulk who is now red and not green.

(Checks notes)

Wait, "Conclave" is about how Roman Catholics select a pope.

If you are a Southern Evangelical like Moi, you really need to study how Roman Catholics pick their leaders. It is nothing like how Southern Baptists pick their leaders which usually has something to do with a couple of books and a tape ministry.

When a pope dies, the College of Cardinals meets at The Vatican and selects which conference they want to play basketball in.  Oops, check that again.  The College of Cardinals meets at The Vatican to select a new pope. They call it a "Conclave".

It is a pretty good movie in the sense that they have big time actors like Ralph (pronounced "Rafe") Fiennes and John (pronounced "John") Lithgow.  

All of the actors wear their Cardinal clothes and ride in a bus to the Vatican like they were on a travel baseball team.

One candidate is Lithgow, who is just a weasel.

Another is Ralph/Rafe, who is a good guy and just wants the church to be nice and not talk about sin or lay a heavy guilt trip on the laity, man.

Another is a more politically savvy cardinal that wants to drag the Church out of the 16th century because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Still another candidate is an African cardinal who had a baby in the past when he was a young Priest, so he's cut.

The final candidate is The Right Reverend Donald J. Trump, Bishop of Mar-a-Logo, who does everything but wear a  Make The Vatican Great Again hat. This guy laments the loss of the Latin Mass, for Pete's sake (notice what I did there?).

Pretty soon, all of the candidates knocked each other out of the race except this dark horse who wasn't even on the list to be in the Conclave. He was the Bishop of Kubul or Antarctica or some place.

This guy, who nobody knows, is selected as a compromise candidate because of the highly spiritual principle, "Eh, why not?"

However.

The new Pope has a secret. That's all I'll say. It's not surprising that the Cardinals will pick the least qualified candidate. I mean, it happens.

The movie is your basic Hollywood movie. Liberals-Yeah! Conservatives-Boo!  

They lay on the symbolism rather thick when Ralph/Rafe picks up one of the late Pope's turtles (the late Pope liked turtles) carries the turtle out of the Vatican and places it in a small fountain. The church is a turtle, slow, plodding, and needs a leader to pick it up and carry it to where it needs to be.  (I must admit that I are a graduate of Cobb County Public Schools.)

No violence. No cussing. No naked people.

It is one of those movies that is done well, but Lord, it was dull in parts.

 

Clint Hill

 

 

If there is one topic I have avoided in my 15 years of blogging, it is The Kennedy Assassination.

There have been many reasons for this.

One, I was four years old when IT (and it was always referred to as "IT") and I was still taking Inez* Mandated Naps.

 
Inez always told the story like this.  "Me and your grandmother were watching our stories." (That's what people called afternoon Soap Operas back then: "stories".) "Walter Cronkite came on and said Kennedy had been shot. You (meaning me) loved cartoons back then and you kept asking when the cartoons were going to come back on. You had to live two whole days without The Popeye Club."**

Two, just about everything that can be said about IT has been said.  It was a gory, terrible event and the one moment every one of a certain age can pinpoint when everything down the toilet.

Pretty soon four guys from England came over with that old long hair, everybody got color TV sets, and girls left their bras at home.

Here's your draft card, burn it or keep it. The new President, Lyndon Johnson, was not nearly as charismatic as JFK, got us into Vietnam. Martin Luther King and brother Bobby got shot.  That old long hair got longer and soon the kids were taking drugs and getting all freaky.

Things didn't calm down until Ford became President (a long story) and all of the hippies (the boys that grew their hair out) decided to settle down and make money. 

Three, for about sixty years there has been controversy about the assassination with everybody having an opinion which may/may not have a basis in fact because, let's face it, it happened a long time ago and we are just a tad bit more cynical about "official narratives".

The official narrative is a 24-year-old man took a rifle to work and shot the President of The United States from the sixth floor of (all together now) The Texas School Book Depository.  He shot three times, hitting the President twice and once hitting the governor of Texas who was sitting in front of him.

The official narrative has this man, (all together again) Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone.

People really don't believe that. They think either the CIA, Lyndon Johnson, the FBI, Russia, or the Mafia killed the President. Oh yeah, Lee Harvey was killed by the owner of a strip club, two days later, in the basement of the Dallas Police station.

The assassination was back in the news when Clint Hill, the Secret Service Agent assigned to Mrs. Kennedy, died at the age of 95.

He was the man running towards the Presidential limousine after the shots were fired, somehow hopping on board the car, and pushing Mrs. Kennedy back into her seat where she could cradle the expired President in her lap.

At Parkland Hospital, where they took the President in a desperate but futile attempt to save his life, Hill took a call from brother Bobby who asked, "How bad is it?"  Hill's reply: "It is about as bad as it can get".

Hill lasted about 13 additional years with the Secret Service. In 1975, he flunked a physical and was retired from the Secret Service. At his retirement reception, Mrs. Kennedy, Mrs. Johnson, and Mamie Eisenhower attended. 

By his account, he spent the next several years holed up in his basement, smoking and drinking. Today, we would say he had PTSD.

He eventually began talking about IT. The story was always the same. He on the running board of the car behind the President's. He heard the first shot coming from behind him. He heard another shot coming from behind him. He heard another shot coming from behind him and saw it hit the President's head. All in the span of less than eight seconds.

Hill wrote several books, of course, having to relive what has to be the worst day at work ever. 

Hill regretted he could not do more. But that's not fair to him. He did all he could do.

By the way, Hill threw his coat over the President to cover the head wound from the media. When all was said and done, he took the coat to be dry cleaned. He presented the dry cleaning receipt at work for reimbursement.

It was turned down. 

* My mom.

** "The Popeye Club" was an afternoon show that aired on WSB-TV in Atlanta from Monday through Friday.  It starred Don Kennedy (no relation to the President) as "Officer Don" and they showed Popeye cartoons.  They didn't try to teach you anything. It was great.  The assassination happened on a Friday and it was wall-to-wall news coverage until after the burial on Monday.  "The Popeye Club" came back on the air on Tuesday.

Moo Better

 

I'm sure you've heard of Killer Bees. Just a few years ago, we learned of the existence of Murder Hornets (Hornets who will kill you and drive away in a white Bronco). However, there is now something more dangerous than Killer Bees and Murder Hornets combined

Cows.

Specifically, cows who will stomp all over you.

Recently, on my Firefox landing page, there was an article from the September 12, 2024, issue of The Guardian which reports that cows were responsible for 22 deaths for people living in England, Scotland, and Wales from March 2019 to March 2023.

It is always a tragedy when somebody kicks the bucket. But can you imagine standing at the Pearly Gates and discussing your demise?

"I ran into a burning house to save a child."

"I jumped in front of a bullet to save my wife."

"I got run over by a cow."

The Guardian states: "There is something particularly shocking about members of the public – most often walkers using public footpaths – being killed or severely injured in cow attacks, but farmers are also victims: cattle are the most common cause of accidental death in the UK agricultural industry."

I'm particularly shocked cows would attack people on public footpaths like a bunch of thugs. (Do they wear leather jackets? Wouldn't that make them feel weird?)

I'm also shocked that farmers are victims, seeing that they are around cows daily and would know what would make cows mad. (Staring at their teats is probably the number one reason. "Hey, eyes up here, Old McDonald") 

One victim of the swarms of killer cows in England, David Clarke, decided to do something about it. 

Instead of suing the owner of the cows, like he should have, he formed a group called Cows on Walkers Safety (COWS). Its purpose is to "raise awareness of the dangers posed by cattle."  I don't know if his group sells t-shirts, but I would like one.

According to The Guardian, the average cow in the United Kingdom weighs 620 kg, which is around 1366 pounds in real weight. It is not known what the average weight of an American cow is, but I would think it would be more due to all of the soft drinks and junk foods they consume.

 The cows that attacked Clarke ended up lacerating his liver.  That's a pretty severe cow attack. ("Cow Attack" would be a good name for a country-rock band.)

One lady, a farmer's daughter no less, was attacked by cows and suffered multiple broken ribs, a concussion, a smashed jaw, and dislodged teeth.  Another suffered “seven broken ribs, hoof marks on her chest and legs, a broken thumb, and life-changing severe internal injuries that required emergency surgery."  

Bessie means business.

Why do cows attack?

Some people blame dogs. Cows perceive dogs as a threat because dogs bark. This scares the cow, and the cow thinks, "Let's move quickly and stomp on this human being, at least giving it severe internal injuries that are life-changing."  

Other reasons include momma cows being protective of their baby cows, some cows were never disciplined at home and now they roam around smoking cigarettes, and, of course, Trump.  

You may be asking yourself: How do I keep myself safe from the packs of killer cows and also those super pigs that are invading from Canada? Fortunately, we have some answers.

 

• Be alert: keep an eye out for any signage warning of cows on your route. Stay calm if you notice any cows playing loud music and vaping.
• Give cattle space. They have a long day starting with something yanking at their teats in the morning. Then they hear about a friend who has become a hamburger.
• You are allowed to leave a footpath to walk around cows. You are also allowed to get in your car and drive home. None of this would have been possible if the Democrats had won the election last November. You would have been legally liable to go up to a cow and apologize for all of the Big Macs you have eaten
• Walk – don’t run – through fields with cows quickly and don't make eye contact or stop and try to make friends even if they are wearing Buc-ee's merchandise.
• If you are walking with a dog, tell it to shut up and quit barking. This always works.
• If cows run towards you, don’t try to punch them in the face like Mongo in "Blazing Saddles".
• Once you’re safely home, report problems with cattle to the local authority (Kayce Dutton). 
  

Cows simply have to moo do better.